Finding the light at the end of the tunnel

The past week has been tumultous. My boss has been really stupid and took over a responsibility to my dept when that tyrant (the new director that I mentioned earlier who called me a girl) sent an email directing my dept that we should take over this particular task. To show that our dept is being kind and is alright with taking over this responsibility that is rightfully theirs, she replied the email and said ok (my GM was copied into the email, thinking this will show that the tyrant is being irresponsible by pushing their job scope onto others). My colleagues and I know that she don't mind the new job because she is not the one doing it! Being the selfish person that she is, she will not lift a finger to help us. She did not even bother to stand up for us and march to the GM office to have a talk with him about the situatuion. She is useless!! I heard more horror stories about my boss this week from my other colleagues and these reasons were why my predecessor left. That new director tyrant has been going around instructing what the other depts should do and left left many of the other dept directors fuming as they feel that he has no right to dictate how they should manage their own dept. I should be confirmed this week regarding my employment contract but my boss gave the usual excuse that she is very busy and has no time to look into my confirmation.....she will regret this. I have been busy for the past few days in overseeing and liasing the production of a marketing collateral. After sitting though with my GM over the layout and he agreed to it, my boss wanted to change it. Sigh...really wasted my effort....

I have been staying home for the past few weekends....things are more expensive these days and so it is costly to go out. I have to think through whether this movie is worth watching before spending that 10 bucks on it (You guys know that GV has followed Cathay in increasing ticket price to $10 for weekends?) And even if I choose to watch on weekday nights, it might not be possible due to work, tiredness, go runnning or other things.....Eating out is also expensive, ktv is also expensive...sigh...don't know what is there left to do....Although my salary is reasonably ok, after deducting allowance to my parents and personal bills, I'm not left that much. I'm really feeling the pinch now. Have to be careful with what I spent and save more. But of course, I will spend on stuff that I think are necessary. With careful planning, I think we can still indulge in some little luxuries.... : )

I was looking through my friend, Gerry's friendster profile and he wrote some passages which I think speaks for every relationship out there. He wrote
"Woman's biggest mistake in a r/s is to give up communicating her needs and to start doing everything by herself end up wrongly assuming her partner does not care to help or participate in the r/s" Only way to solve this, is to accepting and understanding each other's differences with love, then we become more of who we truely are -to be loving and caring to each other.
Do you know how to sustain the passion in your relationship? When partners are able to keep their differences alive through loving and respecting each other and if a man and woman become too similar they lose the attraction or chemistry. It is boring to be with somone who is like yourself. To maintain passion in a r/s, we must work to preserve our differences while gradually accept the qualities of our partners by loving and respecting our differences then we gain balance. Secondly, do new things together! Try to come up with new ideas for each other to keep a r/s alive!
There was one day, baby asks me, "What is Love?"I said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn that you see and come back to me. But these is a catch: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."Baby went to the field and goes to the 1st row, where she saw one big corn, but she wonders to herself... maybe there is a bigger one ahead. Walking forward and true to her thoughts she saw a bigger one. However she did not pick it, but thought to herself again: "Maybe there will be an even bigger one waiting for her."Later, when she had walked through more than half of the corn field, she started to realize that the corn was not as big as the previous ones she saw, and she knows that she has missed the biggest one, and she regretted it!!!So, she ended up coming back to me with empty hands.I told her, " .. this is love.. you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realized it, you have already miss the person..." - In Love One must always cherish those that one already possesses. "


I think I am guilty of the first part. Maybe I didn't communicate enough in my previous relationship. I have learnt that communication is very important and I must make my feelings and thoughts known in the first place to the other partner and also, not assume anything from him. I also learnt that we should be who we are and learn to accept the differences that two persons will have. We have to accept the character of that person and the differences that both parties have and work towards maintaining a loving and meaningful relationship. I guess its true that two persons who are similar might lose the chemistry in the relationship. Like they say, opposites attract. I forgot the part about doing new things together! That is so helpful in maintaning a relationship. Always treasure what you have.....Thanks Gerry!

With all these recent happenings, I am more determined to achieve the things that I want. I want to be happy.


Searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.....

29 March 2008 6.52pm

Am I naive or just blur or freaky?

Its one of those peaceful days where my boss is not in.......

I was reading this week's issue of 8 Days and I came across my horoscope of the week.

"This is not an easy moment for all you delicate souls, but faith in the future will now definitely see you through. In fact , a few confident actions will impress other people and might even inspire someone to make you a bold offer."

Notice that the writer used the word "delicate" to describe us. Yes, I do think I am delicate and fragile at times, easily hurt and breakable. Anyway, the horoscope prediction is somewhat co-related to the happenings at the office today. I am already losing faith in my job, in my career as I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. My colleagues and I gathered together to discuss a work task which she forwarded us to do. She told us to discuss the points together as a team (excluding her as usual......) and then collate it and pass it to her. My next-door colleague heard about this task that we are discussing and told us to forward her the email. When she saw the email, she told us that all head of departments are supposed to do this assignment themselves but of course have to sit down and discuss with the asst head of dept and rest of the team. However, the email that my boss forwarded to us instructed us to DO the task instead. And all these while we didn't know that HODs are supposed to lead in this task. My colleagues and I were actually clueless as to how to perform this assignment and thought we could manage but after reading through the email, we really do not know what the concept is about and my boss did not give us the additional info she promised to help us in it. I come to think that I am either naive to believe my boss that we can do it or just plain blur to not realise that she is discreetly pushing the responsibility to us. I should have known its the latter!! I was quite pissed off with my boss and this incident (and many others...) just further lowered my morale in this job. Am I going to suffer under my boss and continue to clean up all her crap and nagging and do all her work and at the end of the day, I still do not know what I have accomplished at all?? Lately, I think I am not quick-witted enough to realise some of the politics, hidden agendas or unobvious body languages that are going on in this office. And that's where I am left behind....sigh...I only feel more and more discouraged as the days go by...But after seeing that horoscope prediction, should I just keep on carrying my faith or hopes for the future and pounce once I see the light-bulb moment?

I seem to be getting wierd stares from passer-bys these days when I am out in the streets. I'm not sure if its me but I'm sure they were looking at my face. People at the office have been asking me about my acne, whether i have seen a doc. Its really depressing. When I was out with Ljun last friday, I can feel those passing eyes lingering a little longer on me and it gave me a feeling as if I am some freak. sigh......guess I will not go out that often until my face gets better. It does look bad now....: ( and worse, my face itches with all those medication....

Its only Monday...hang on.....
24 Mar 2008 9:36pm

Pet Peeves

I didn't do much during this long Easter weekend. I am nursing a sore throat and is getting a bit better. I went to the gym on friday for bodycombat and told myself that I will try not to head to the gym on public holidays as it was quite crowded. Also, the pet peeves that I always encounter at the gym are getting to my nerves. I couldn't stand those people who would hog a machine for almost half an hour, forgetting there are other gymers who are waiting to use it as well. While I was waiting for the combat class to start, I wanted to use this particular ab machine but there was this inconsiderate guy who was hoarding it, doing hundreds of repetition, taking long pauses in between and even left his towel on the machine while he stroll over to the water cooler for a sip before resuming his exercise again. How irritating! In the end, I didn't get to use it and went for my class instead as it was starting soon. After the combat session ended, I came out of the studio and saw that someone is still using that ab machine. So I hanged around for a while and finally got to it.

Another pet peeve that I can't stand are those personal trainers who are training their clients. They would take it that they have priority over the equipments and hog them as well. I am also a paying member of the club and deserve equal treatment as them. There was an incident where I was waiting for a chest pump machine and as the guy was leaving, a trainer came over immediately with his client to use it. I was pissed off and told him I was already waiting there and would appreciate if I could have about ten minutes on it. Luckily this traniner was kind enough to let me use it. The trainer waited and I returned the gesture by signalling him over when I was done so that no one would use it.

The other thing that irks me is those disgusting women who leave their used towels on the bench in front of other users' locker. I got it before. Probably they think that as a paying club member, they expect the locker attendants to clean up after them so they don't bother to drop their used towels into the bin at the locker counter. The gym can be a really dirty place sometimes......eeww...

After gym, I met Ljun to window shop. He got a new job and wanted to get a windbreaker/sweater to wear in the office. He's quite a spender and usually plans what he wants to buy every month. I wish I can be like him...if my salary allows...but I still believe in saving for a rainy day. We went to Paragon and I saw a Bvlgari event at the main atrium. Reminded me of my old job.....sigh...

***

I just finished watching season 2 of Heroes and I am definitely hooked on it! I love Milo Ventimiglia (he acts as Peter Petrelli in the series)! So gorgeous and has one of the most powerful abilities among the characters. I find some of the quotes in the show rather meaningful and thought-provoking. Can't wait to see what happens to them....sometimes I wish the haitian could come and erase all the unhappy thoughts in my head.

Another work week tomorrow. Not looking forward to it but I guess the only consolation I get is that my boss will be on leave tomorrow. I wonder what will happen this week....

You left. You left. All You have are your nightmares.

23 March 2008 7.22pm

Fighting On....

Remember in my last post that this new director from another dept shot back at me by replying to everyone in an email (including an external party who is the original recipient of the email) that the information I provided is not correct? Well, the next morning I sent an email to him and cc the same group of people invloved that I acted on the information as given from his dept. I also attached the information they gave and requested them to update accordingly in a polite manner. And guess what he replied to everyone? Only a single line, no hello and no thank you and this single line that he typed read "Can someone help this girl?". And that was it.

I stared at my computer screen as I read the reply again and my immediate thought was "how rude is he?!" I mean if he feels that I am in the wrong, then by all means explain the situation to me and I will readily accept it and do whatever is necessary to rectify the situation. His reply implied that I know nothing and it also shows that he belittles me. How arrogant.....soon after, that email got forwarded by someone to my colleagues next door and they couldn't believe that he replied in this manner as a director. My boss and my colleagues in my team also found his reply to be rude and unnecessary. On the lighter side, a colleague joked that at least he means that I am still young! As a joke, we now call him "Ah-Boy".

As usual, I still did not get any feedback regarding an assignment that I am currently overseeing and it is causing a terrible delay on the deadline. Everything don't seem to be going smoothly at work. Really frustrating and causing me undue stress. The other day my boss was telling me to rest well so that I won't be stressed up and my acne will recover soon. Well, I told my colleague what she said and I doubt my face will recover that fast. But I think it is making slow recovery now...and I mean SLOW......

Call me Ah-girl.......

19 March 2008 9.41pm

A Wrong Match?

Last week as I was making my way back to my desk from the pantry, I made a small complaint to my colleague about my boss. She understands the agonizing circumstance that me and my team face in our dept and she asked me whether I regretted coming here. Well, maybe?

Today is one of those unfruitful day at work again. One thing that I couldn't understand is the pettiness or lack of team spirit among the depts in my company. We had a new director in another dept recently which my dept works closely with. Today I sent an email to an external party about the various promotions that our company will have in the coming month. The relevant people were cc, including this new director. I was sure that the information was correct up to my full knowledge of the entire matter. It was even mentioned in a meeting last week and I even checked with another colleague to confirm. When I looked back at the main document that I derived the information from, I wasn't wrong. But the new director said it was wrong and replied back to everyone in the email, including the external party, to inform everyone that the info is not correct and to update the changes. I was uphappy when I saw the email, simply because I felt it was unneccessary to include the external party in the reply. If I was wrong, he could have just email me in a separate reply and I will definitely make the changes and send another email to the external partner to correct the information. But the new director chose to reply to everyone, making us look bad in front of an outsider, who will think that we are not being efficient in our internal communication at all. Why let people know our internal weakness when we can rectify the problem first among us and then inform others accordingly? I don't get it at all. I knew that he wants to make my dept look bad and he is doing so at every opportunity. Although I don't like the way he handles the matter and the way he works, I still feel that getting the work done is of utmost priority.

To make matters worse and this is a different issue, my boss wanted to test the new director's efficiency by forwarding him a media enquiry and see how he handles it. My dept could manage this reasonably fast but my boss chose to waste time and last-minute effort by forwarding the email to him, which he only informed his subordinate today to handle it and the subordinate was furious that he has to rush it as the media needs it tomorrow. If we don't submit it tomorrow, we could miss out a publicity feature. Is all this finger pointing and "who-can-do-a-better-job-attitude" worth it? I must admit I don't like how this new director is communicating with us to get things done but if such obstacles can be minimize, why not? It speeds up the working process and everyone will be happier.

A week ago I came across an article about acing an interview. I read such articles before and I know what are the questions you should expect and the tips that you should remember to perform well in the interview. The only part that was new to me in that article was the questions you should ask the interviewer to gauge if the company is the right place for you. Many a times when we attend an interview, we just want to please the interviewer and get the job but forget to consider whether the comapany's culture and management style suit us. And its only when we are in the job that we realise we are not happy and things are not working out with your colleagues and/or boss. We should find out from our direct superior during the interview about their communnication style, management style, traits they look for in an employee and how they prefer to resolve issues when both parties have a different view on the issue. What a bummer I have been and I should have known all these questions. I only know that I could asked about career advancement opportunities in the company but have neglected EQ related questions.

As I recall what my colleague asked me last week, I did wonder if I had made the wrong choice. But then, remembering what yx told me, I could probably try my best and see where the road will lead to......hmm.....

trying and trying.......

17 March 2008 10.53pm

A Short Day

Slept till noon today.....have not slept so much for a long time. The day went by in a flash...

I met my financial planner earlier for a chat. She looks like her normal self although I did feel a little that something is not right. We had a quick bite and then settled in her office. As I meddled with my stuff, she suddenly broke the news to me that she broke up with her boyfriend. I was surprised. It happened a week ago but she has taken it well and is moving on. She told me that in life, a setback will not affect you tremendously if you have all aspects of your life covered and strong ties in your other relationships such as family and friends. She has a successful career and close relationship with her family and friends. That is why she can bounce back and move on. This is something that I want to achieve. Work towards a good life by maintaining strong relationships with my love ones and build up my career. I may not be that close with my family but I think i will make do with whatever I have. I don't think I can have everything in life and should learn to be content with it. She told me to think through what I want to achieve in life and even told me to consider being a planner in her company. "Think through these two days and let me know" Hmm....

I'm having wierd dreams lately. I kept dreaming about this guy whom I had several conversations and encounters in my dream and it gave me a happy feeling. Last night I dreamt that I was in my ex-company office, talking to an ex-colleague and then this guy appeared out of nowhere. He was feeling unwell and I helped him to the doctor's. He was thankful to me. I wonder whether dreams mean anything and what do all these dreams indicate? Is something good or bad going to happen to me?

This could be good.......

15 march 2008 10.05pm

Politicology

Almost 3 months into my current job and I must say it hasn't been an easy road.....

For the past few weeks, I realised that some people like to make others feel bad or look bad in their work performance so as to feel empowered. By doing so, they feel good about themselves and felt that they have done a good job in front of their boss. Of course, its only a good show in front of the boss and the boss do not know what goes behind the scenes....

My dept has been trying hard to save itself from the fire that goes on or maybe I should say an earthquake 'cos there are always shattering or groundbreaking changes or happenings in the situation at work, such as promotional details that still cannot be confirmed when the deadline was already long over or sudden new additions....sigh...oh well, I have submitted all the information that I can gathered for the collateral. I just hope the production process will proceed smoothly. We shall try our best and go by the book to prevent ourselves from any troubles that others might caused.

I'm suffering from another bout of acne again and my face was looking bad. I have stopped wearing make-up to work these past two days and made a trip to the skin clinic yesterday. My doctor thought I have stopped using his medication but I have been using it faithfully everyday. Guess it was the make-up that is irritating my skin or work-related stress. I didn't take take the jab as advised by my doctor but bought my usual set of medication instead and a bottle of antibiotics. My face looks slightly better today and I definitely need to take good care of it. 'Cos I am $200 poorer after the trip to the clinic...:( . xl accompanied me to the clinic and then we went shopping for a while. Both of us bought two pairs of heels each...poorer again...arrggghh!

While we were waiting for the train, we started to ponder about our future. Will we marry the man that we love? xl's friend once told her that sometimes, a girl will just settle for a guy even though she does not love him deeply. i thought that is sad but her friend said there are things that you have to compromise when looking for a life partner. Maybe that is true......

feeling bored in a gloomy weather......

13 March 2008 8.59pm

Ever so Restless.....

I met zz and kev on wed for dinner and also to discuss some stuff. We were at Macdonalds. While I was rummaging through my bag, I accidentally knocked over my coffee and it spilt into my bag! Got coffee all over my white sweater. Now the inside of my bag smells like coffee....haha.....arrgh..

I feel so restless these days. Work was boring as usual. I even skipped practice on friday and met yh, zz and kev for dinner instead. Just totally no mood to practice or do anything...

On the train back with yh, I learnt that yh usually keeps all her troubles and problems inside her and would not or seldom share with anyone. Hey girl, its not good to keep everything to yourself. Try to open up and you will feel better. Remember that you have friends and love ones who are here to listen, including myself. You were there for me. It might be awkward for you but you will never know if you don't even try. :)

Watched 10000B.C with gy yesterday. Its average with some rather funny parts. Still an entertaning movie to watch. Its been a long time since I last saw gy. We went shopping around after the movie and he bought a few things. He quite willing to splurge on himself. After dinner, we went for coffee to catch up on each other. I learnt something while he was relating his experience with his ex. Assurance is a responsibility that both party have to carry to ensure that things will work out in a relationship. This will also enable good communication between the couple. That is what was missing in my previous relationship. But I also guess the responsibilty to assure one another needs to be part of a person's character to do it and can be built up over time. If the person don't feel the sense of such responsibility, doesn't it mean he or she will cause the relationship to fail and who wants a failing relationship? Will the person realise it? At least I did my part.

Finally finished watching the first season of Heroes. There was a scene where Peter said to Simone at the rooftop about death as her dying grandpa was talking to Peter's mum. I find it rather meaningful.

"Death is the one thing that connects us all,

reminds us that what's really important is who we've touched,

and you know, how much we've given.

It makes us realize that we have to be good to one another."

-Peter Petrelli, chapter 24 How to Stop an

Exploding Man, Heroes Season 1

Life is short, play hard and love hard. I have been feeling empty lately and having wierd dreams. I'm hoping for something good to happen to me. I'm just waiting for everything to turn around for me, waiting for that opportunity. I will work hard for my career, improve myself spiritually and mentally and perhaps, meet that special one who is waiting for me somewhere.....

Enjoy this scene from the movie Great Expectations. I suddenly remember this movie and its one of my favourite scenes. Really romantic...:)

Not delving, not yearning....

9 March 2008 6.44pm

So where do you go?

You know, lately life is becoming boring.......that all the daily stuff seems rather repetitive. I know it all depends on how we look at things, that we can choose to make things work differently and that work don't have to be mundane. Its either you accept that work is rountine everyday and just go with the flow or do something different.

I do meet my friends, go running or drop by at the gym, attend my weekly band practice and catch those movies that I want to watch. But then, its getting kind of boring. I don't shop very much because its an expensive hobby. Seeing all those new shopping malls sprouting up in Orchard Road is not helping..hmm....think I need more shoes....oopps! ** No cannot, bad girl!**

I thought of doing something different like visiting the art museum or take a walk at the zoo during the weekends but didn't quite seem to get to it or able to get friends with such similar interest to participate in such activities.

I have been thinking of reading my books again but because I read rather slow, it takes me a long time to finish one. Ok I try....

Or is life in Singapore just plain dull? I'm still thinking whether its me or whether singapore life is just overly hectic and all that stress doesn't enable me to enjoy life. The rising cost of living these days bothers me. I came across an article on saturday about singaporeans who live overseas for many years and do not wish to return home simply because life there is slower, job salary is higher, cost of living compared to singapore is lower and many other reasons. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my galfriend and we were talking about working in Australia and the idea seems rather attractive to me. But then, I can't just leave my parents here and I'm sure they wouldn't want to leave. Reading that article about these Singaporeans who love their life outside Singapore left me feeling envious....the pasture might be greener on the other side. But I guess no matter where you are, its whether you enjoy what you are doing that will keep your heart here.

My boss sat me down today to discuss my performance appraisal for the past two months. Generally it was ok but when she asked me how I was doing, I wasn't sure what to say. I have a lot to tell her but I just told her I need more time to adjust to the new work environment as it is quite different to my previous job. Probably I should tell her what I really think of our work environment one of these days but because I need to go running, I kept the discussion short with her.

Remember I mention in my previous post that my conductor said I might have a problem with my ambitions? Well, I really need to think what I want to do.

4 March 2008 10.30pm

Soy veintisiete años

Another year gone by and I have turned a year older....

hmm...thurs was a pretty "normal" day. Went to work as usual. After the morning briefing was over, a collague saw me and wished me happy birthday. My boss gave me a present. I didn't expect this. I appreciate her gesture but I find it a bit wierd.....especially the present.

Met my sec sch girlfriends for dinner. We always celebrate each other's birthday every year without fail since our sec sch days. For the first time after knowing her for so many years, ger brought her bf along. Congrats gal! so happy for you! :) And to the guy, you better treat her well!! Anyway we had dinner at wheellock place. Too bad shir and ting couldn't make it but I enjoyed the simple celebration. Love the black forest cake guys!

Practice resumed yesterday and attendance was not that good. Had dinner at kopitiam with them and my conductor came. As most of them finished their food, they quickly made a move. Leaving me, ed and joa with him. My conductor asked me how I was doing at work and I replied "boring"!. He said "you know why? no ambition. There is nothing that you have to work towards to when climbing the career ladder". That didn't occur to me all these while....maybe he is right. I don't have an ambition. I still don't know what to do and still can't find what I want to do or maybe what I like to do.....

The band has decided to participate in the national band competition in july. Aiming to repeat our golden feat two years ago.BUT I learnt that we are playing El Camino Real as our choice piece.....hmm......oh well, we'll see how it goes. After practice was over, sy started her "lelong sale" of band t-shirts. I bought the new orange one :) As I was about to leave with cher and the others to ice cold beer, ms and mel suddenly stopped me and presented me with a small gift from HR and my euph section! Everyone broke out with a birthday song. Thank You My Symphonians! :)So Sweet.......

At Ice Cold Beer, I had a margarita which was nice. Later into the night, suddenly felt really giddy and a pain in my stomach. Headed to the toilet where I threw up everything I ate earlier. My stomach hurts like hell and I felt really faint. Nope I'm not drunk. Just felt like I was going to faint. Luckily sy came to my rescue. She always comes to my rescue...haha....so once again sy and mel shared cab with me to make sure i got back home safely. To the both of you, I owe you a A LOT!

Now that I am older.....once more....I hope to embark on a more fufilling journey for the next chapter of my life. Lately I have been feeling kind of tired with what I have been doing. Although I love playing in the band, I wonder whether it is time to stop. I enjoy the company of my smyphos.....but being an alumnus without the other alumni, I feel out of place sometimes. No longer am I on the same topic of boring classes, incompetent profs, endless project meetings and interesting events and happenings in school. I used to have these common topics with my classmates but that was during my uni days....been two years since I graduated from this uni. Guess what I can do is tell the current members what working life is like......haha....need to pass on....

But besides music, I need something else. I want a job that I love. Right now, its not exactly what I want so the only things I can do now is to gain experience first. But then, I am not sure if I am getting the relevant experience. Probably I should listen to yx and try my best to make the most out of my situation. Don't balk when I see an obstacle.

With more free time on hand now, should I look into other aspects to upgrade myself? Maybe relearn my spanish and enrol in a class. Learn a new skill? Photoshop maybe?

And the last thing that I hope to have is......

anyway have a good weekend!

1 Mar 2008 12.04pm