An Empty Feel...

I was disappointed with him. So what is wrong with me? Why do I always meet the wrong guy? What is missing inside me?
I guess I was feeling empty inside. I am trying to find something to fill up the void and to do that I need someone who loves me and I can love back. Instead, my gf told me I need to believe in a faith to fill up my void first. Never search for a life partner. He will come to you when the time is right. My gf told me that we will never marry the guy that we like but with someone whom we are meant to be with. So she advised me to stop meeting the wrong guys and start realizing what I am doing to myself. I should know more people, get occupied with things that I like to do and stop doing things that will hurt me.
But I’m really not sure….Right now I still enjoy playing in band but lately, I have been feeling lethargic, like I have been doing this for too long and somehow I am not getting any satisfaction from it. The thought of quitting came to my mind. Sometimes I feel alone even though I am with my bandmates playing and having fun. Being one of the few alumni there, there is definitely a gap between me and the rest as they are still university students. Usual conversation that clouds the air are often school stuff, projects, professors which I am in a “been there, done that” stage and what I can only do is offer them advice if they need any. Other than that, I can’t talk much about current school affairs with them. Although when they ask me for working advice, I was more than glad to offer my two-cents worth.
I could probably start believing a bit more in my faith. I’m a Buddhist but I’m just following along as my family is Buddhist. I don’t know much about Buddhist beliefs or teachings but I guess I can find out.

Since I got a new job, I will focus on my career first and work hard to prove myself. This shall be my first step into filling up the void. Staying at my current place will only make me stagnant as I am not learning anything or improving my skills at all. Moreoever, my boss sucks big time!

Counting down.......I will miss my colleagues.....

14 Aug 2008 10:53pm

Oink and riberty-rib!

It was a pretty normal National Day. I organized a dinner with suz and gang where we had steamboat at Shaw Tower. As we were about to finish eating, there were sounds of fireworks coming from outside. Excited, we went out and managed to catch glimpse of the fireworks over the parade happening at the Marina Floating Bay. A lot of passer-bys were standing at the zebra crossing outside the steamboat restaurant just to watch the fireworks. Kev called zz from overseas and I got to talk to him over the phone and wished him good luck for an upcoming audition. (Good Luck Kev! You can do it!) After settling the bill, we went over to TCC for coffee and then to the new Minds Café at Purvis Street. It was really noisy there and for first-timers like Ljun, he found it difficult to be heard. We stayed for a few hours. It was really fun playing those exciting games especially with suz around. We played this animal sound game where we have to call out the other party’s animal sound where two of the same cards appear on the table. To win the game, you must get rid of your stack of cards first. It was hilarious as we thought of difficult animal sounds to make and trying to remember each other’s animals. And we also played this “Ugly” card game where we got our hands red from slapping on the table and a vampire memory game. Maybe I should organize the next gathering there.

Yesterday was suppose to be my usual “nua”(slacking) Sunday but there was convocation rehearsal in school in the evening and I had to drag myself there. Both ms and I actually contemplated not to turn up..haha! I was quite tired as I got home very late the night before and hit the gym in the morning. During the midst of rehearsal, ms told me she felt like she didn’t achieve much in her first year. I told her its only her freshman year and its ok to figure things out first to have a better idea and then decide what challenges to embark. Actually, I also have the same thought. I don’t seem to have achieved much for the past few years, especially in my career. Besides being active in band during school, I don’t have other credentials to boast in my resume. So for the next step that I am going to take, I will really pull up my socks and work hard.

Lately I started having thoughts of spending the rest of my life alone. I mean not being able to meet anyone and settle down. Living the single life. Growing old alone….kind of scary isn’t it? I mean I will really be alone when my parents are no longer around and I’m sure my brother will get married and start his own family. I remember commenting to my girlfriends that I might probably be their children’s godmother since I might not meet the right person anyway. I wonder which is scarier: Growing old alone or dying alone?

I am finally leaving this hellhole. Yup, I have handed in my resignation.

12 Aug 2008 12:37am

What is Love?

So what is love?

A friend asked me that question lately. She was having problems with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend couldn't spend much time with her due to his work commitments and even sms and calls to my gf is a challenge to him. She has a problem with that but the guy don't think there is a problem. I advised my girlfriend that if she loves him, she needs to sort this out and stand by his boyfriend. And she asked me back, "What is Love?"

I couldn't answer that question immediately and was dumbfounded for a moment. I have difficulties evaluating the meaning of love. Does liking someone necessarily lead to love? Recently, I got to know this guy. We met up a few times and although the time I knew him was short, I really like him. He said to me that he like me too but he doesn't seem to find out stuff about me or try to get to know me better. I wanted to know him better but found it hard to do so as he doesn't open up to me whenever I talk to him. I started to wonder if he has some secrets that he didn't want me to know or its his character that he does not open up easily to people. That day, I told him that I really like him and he matters a lot to me. He seemed pleased to know that but did not reveal how he felt about me exactly. I was a bit upset and then realised that maybe he is not that into me. A friend once told me never let a guy know that you are interested in him or else his ego will get bigger and feel pretty smug about it. I guess it was a mistake to tell him. He must be feeling damn good to know some girl likes him. There is no point in liking someone who is not keen in knowing you better and only wants to have fun with you. Maybe he was just patronizing me? Hmm......I know its wierd to like someone in such a short period of time but what attracts two person to each other is the chemistry. Maybe what we had was that instant chemistry and nothing more.....it really takes two hands to clap. Only time will tell whether things will take a different turn between us.

A major turn of events .....coming soon....

3 Aug 2008 3:50pm

Cute long-awaited visit

I went for my first dental visit in ten years....sounds terrible right? I know but its because I have a phobia of going to the dentist since young. When I was in primay school, I had a bad experience with the dental nurse who is always so fierce and unfriendly and the process was painful, with all that drilling and scraping....and bleeding...:( my last visit was in secondary 4.

Well anyway, I made an appointment and turned up for the check up cum cleaning service on thursday. Heard a faint drilling sound and was feeling a bit nervous while waiting for my turn. Prior to that day, the clinic even sent an sms to remind me of my appointment and to call them to confirm it. I forgot to call them the night before and the clinic called to confirm the appointment with me. hmm...quite efficient service.....And so I waited for my turn and then a door was opened in front of me and a lady called my name. Went into the room and was greeted by my dentist. He sounded friendly and looked cute too....hehe..although he was wearing a face mask and I could only see half his face. The cleaning process was uncomfortable as it was painful at some parts but the cute dentist and his nurse were friendly and assuring so I went through the whole process unharmed. haha.......the treatment cost me $115 becaue I had to take an additional flouride treatment as I have deep valleys of stains on my molars and the dentist reccommended I take it to prevent decay. Oh...I obliged whatever he said....:)

Yesterday I met CH for a movie. We watched The X-Files but it wasn't that mysterious or supernatural enough. I would highly recommend that you wait for the DVD release. Met joy and K at the National Museum of Singapore where the Night Festival was going on. The museum was opened to the public for free and so I went in to meet them and we went around viewing the exhibits. It was fun catching up with the two of them as we have not seen each other for at least a year. It was really crowded inside the museum and everyone was attracted to this giant-sized renaissance statue of a nude man who was in pink floral prints. We took funny shots with him such as posing a kissing shot with the statue (His name was David) but the effect was not realistic enough :p.

I think I have band fatigue...need a short break from it. Still having that aimless and lost feeling.....

27 Jul 2008 7:26pm