el fenix* bello - mi historia

hi again...

2009-11-12T21:32:00.003+08:00

Over 3 months have past since I left my ex-company. Felt like such a long time. My new job is better in the sense that I have a sense of satisfaction in my work and I have never felt like this for a long time. Still remember my last day of work at that place. I was rushing through that entire day on preparation for an event which I wouldn't be present. I didn't have time to say my goodbyes but there was one goodbye I will never forget. A short conversation promising to catch up, jap movies and a hug that I never expected but will always remember.

9.55pm

A Standing Ovation

2009-07-18T14:02:00.009+08:00

So what was memorable about the sydney trip?
Well, its the first international competition for sym. Going to Sydney for the second time brought back sweet memories of my first trip there with SP band where we also took part in the same competition back in year 2000.

There were lots of uncertainties and doubts before the trip. Not too sure how we will perform. But all these were answered during the week-long festival. I think everyone was just happy to be there, whether or not its for the competition or the fun of sight-seeing in sydney. We have to be reminded by our conductor contantly that we were there for the music. That after all, sym's name, the school's name and his name are at stake.

Sometimes I'm amazed how easy this band can psych up to an imminent competition. That just half an hour before competition we can all still take photos and be cam whores and the next moment, keep the cameras and focus on the playing. Amazing......

There were other bands who were wondering who we are, like this american band who was not chosen by the adjudicators for the command performance. The few occassions where we saw them, they would look at us with curious or wary stares. Heard from my other symphonians that they sounded disappointed for not being chosen by the judges to perform at the closing festival performance. We won gold and were the adjudicator's choice. For our final performance on the closing night at Sydney Opera House, we did well and received a rousing standing ovation. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears as I saw the audience stood up and applaused with cheers. Gave me goosebumps. A gentleman congratulated us as we made our way to the audience seats later to watch the rest of the concert. He said we were very good.

As the music festival took up most of our time, there were many things that I didn't get to do but there were a few places that I was glad to have visited. Watson's Bay, whom I went there with win and gang, was really beautiful. We had a simple picnic on the ever-so-green grass at the park and then we walked up the cliffs on Sydney Habour National Park, where we were stunned by the scenic sea view and there was this view of the blue waves crashing over the rocks which we looked over a cliff. It was so mesmerising that I was just drawn into it. The scene is locked into my mind that it feels calm and peaceful just remembering it.

One of the days was a free day for us. I went to the direct factory outlet with one of the groups and was happy with my purchases. The fun part was getting there as we took the train, which is very different from our MRT trains with their lower and upper deck. As we boarded the train, there was a man, dressed in rags like a street begger, seating near the entrance and he looked at us angrily. Then we realised we have to keep our volume down so as not to disturb other passengers who want to rest on their long journey.

After the shopping, tim and I headed to Circular Quay to meet up with yx to do the bridge climb at the South East Pylon, which is one of the towers right next to the Sydney Harbour Bridge. The view was fantastic at the top of the tower. We soaked in the captivating view of the city and the opera house, the highway, the skyscrapers, the bridge.Too bad we could only see half of the sunset as our view was blocked by the opposite tower. yx helped me take some really nice pictures of the scenery. Spent a lot of time with yx in this trip and I must say he is a great companion for a trip. He knows how to organise and can be fun to joke and bitch around with. I think we kind of look out for each other on the trip.

On our final day, we were suppose to perform at Darling Harbour in the morning but it was cancelled due to the rainy weather. A blessing in disguise as we could save our energy for the closing performance at the opera house that night. yx, josh, ser and I had a satisfying lunch at pancakes on the rocks. The beef ribs was so good and its something that we seldom have over here. The pancakes were a league on its own. So yummy and so delicious that I kept joking the amount of sugar rush we have from the pancakes will enable us to reach all our high notes that night. We kept laughing about it. Well that night during the performance, I did manage to play most of my high notes. Besides the pancakes, the next most delicious food I had in Sydney was this small japanese eatery where their jap food was so good that you have a comfy and wholesome feeling as you tuck into their meals. I finish one whole bowl of beef udon on my own.

After lunch at pancakes on the rocks, we strolled over to Queen Victoria Building to do a little shopping and somehow the group got broken up and left me and ah lu walking around to do last minute shopping. However, we couldn't find what we wanted so we decided to head back to hotel to rest a bit for the night's performance. On the way back, I spotted Sydney Town Hall and remembered in my first trip to Sydney for the same festival, me and my SP band friends went to this town hall to watch a performance and I remember taking photos at the steps of the building. Ah lu and I took some shots ourselves. Nostalgia.

I think the lowest point of the whole trip was the discussion session with the exco. Ed, josh, yx and I decided to talk to the exco after knowing our results and it was the night before the commands performance. It was a long session. Hearing from the exco that they think of us seniors as always criticizing and making snide remarks about them was hurtful. A lot of issues were thrown out during the session and I hope the exco will walk away reflecting on their actions and how to do better. And we want them to know that their hard work have always been acknowledged.

Maybe its the stress of organizing the trip that might have caused the gap but I miss hanging out with psy and mel. Didn't get to talk to them much before and during the trip except for fun phototakings but I really hope the discussion won't change anything.

Another achievement added to Sym's string of accolades and I hope to see the members grow stronger as a whole. All in all, it has been a memorable trip.

19 July 2009 7:01pm

He asked how I am today amid the rush of work

2009-06-30T22:33:00.006+08:00

Lots of things happened in the past month. My bosses threw me a bomb when they told me that they would like me to go over to a new business unit. I didn't have much choice. Although I didn't like it, I just went along with it. I only know that I will miss my colleagues here.

At band, things were wobbly. Only finally decided last week that the band will go for the competition in Sydney despite the HINI flu pandemic. Precautions need to be taken. I was just really disappointed at how the exco handled the situtation. Our playing is still not up to par. Team spirit and morale is down. Everyone is just not motivated. I am just so worried how the outcome of the competition will affect the members. I am also worried with my parts, still couldn't reach my high As and Bs. This time next week, we will be facing our challenge...I'm praying....

One of my close colleague just resigned. She came by last week to see us at our event and we caught up on recent happenings. As usual, we were talking about work, gossiping and bitching....All these while we were saying how this place has changed us, how it made us see the bad side and good side of us. And then there was the topic on relationship. My colleague was saying relationships are fragile. For someone who thought they have found their life partner, things can change down the road and things will break up. So there is always a possibility that a person who is attached can change their mind about their partner and fall for someone else. I was thinking whether is it ok to fall for someone who is attached and let that person know? I am not a relationship breaker. I am not that type of girl who purposely snatches someone's else boyfriend. I believe that out there, there is a person whom you are meant to be with your whole life. Your soul mate. Even if at that point of time when you meet him or her, they are with someone else. But the future is unknown. You might never know that person might be meant for you. What is meant to be, will be.... I just don't want to regret later in life and ponder what if I have told him?

Last thur's event is probably my last event. But it was fun for one part.

I tendered my resignation last week and I know I made the right choice. I know my boss will never give me a permanent position. She just doesn't appreciate me. Still lots of work to do in the weeks ahead. Having jitters about the trip.

I should have paused and talked to him when he was asking about me today....

30 Jun 2009, 11.31pm

first death

2009-05-24T21:26:00.003+08:00

I had my first encounter with death this weekend. My pet dog of 13 years passed on. During his last hours, even though he was weak, he still tried to stand up and walk, probably to show us he is here one last time and also to be close to my mum. I remember the look in his eyes as he struggled before I left house. He knew I was there. I was checking on him to see if he needed water but I really didn't know what to do. Only when I was out that my brother told me he is not doing well. He took my dog back to a hospital and we got news this morning that he has passed away. In a way it was some relief as I did not want to see him suffer. It was really painful and I couldn't face it. I didn't accompany them to collect his body because I really couldn't take it. I went to the gym instead. Really sad but I am glad he is not suffering and is not in pain anymore.

I realised that maybe I am not strong enough to face such adversity. Age did not give me enough strength and wisdom. Win, my symphonia friend, who is years younger than me actually consoled me, told me that I should be glad he lived such a long life. Sean smsed me a hug and sy sms me 5.30 in the morning to tell me to cheer up. These little gestures meant so much to me when I was feeling down. Thanks guys...

24 May 2009, 9.47pm

a little bit better

2009-05-14T00:22:00.003+08:00

Today we had sectional practice. Yx came to teach us and will be our tutor for now till the competition in july. For the first time after so long (i think since NBC last year), I sounded so much better today. The tone I was producing was nicer and cleaner. Hopefully to play great by july, achieving a nice sound for my section (with ms), if not, better than how I sounded in the first NBC.

Yesterday was sucky at work. Mood was terrible. I was so upset but today I felt better, still learning to accept things the way they are. The practice tonight helped a lot.

14 May 2009, 12:35am

2009-05-11T00:48:00.002+08:00

Work has been rather mundane lately. Because I am handling more admin stuff than usual. I don't mind doing it but I don't see how this is helping me. I wonder if my boss has some prejudice against me. I heard too many things lately. I don't want to be a pawn. I deserve better.

The situation at home is rather quiet lately. I just try to take things easy. But not bothering doesn't mean I don't care.

Am I going through a vicious cycle?

11 May 2009, 1:30am

2009-04-25T01:36:00.001+08:00

: (

thoughts...

2009-04-21T22:04:00.003+08:00

I miss playing....been almost a month since the band took an exam break. Practice will resume this week but I wonder if I can make it. Too many things to do for the event this weekend but I hope I can make it for friday's practice at least....

Situation at home is not too good....told my problems to cher and I felt so much better. There are many families out there where the relationships are not going well. Same for cher and I was glad I could relate to her when she told me her problems. I only know that I want to move on in my life and take care of whatever matters I can.

I don't want to whine about work but I can't help but wonder why things are so screwed up over here? Things always come in at the last minute and I was pulled into this crap with pieces everywhere and trying to put them together well when it could be done much earlier. I think my brain is dying.....from all these selfishness, irresponsible and uncommitted attitude from other people. My mental strength is going down...I can't process my thoughts as well as before.

It aches when you can't get what you want. Should I just stand from afar and watch, wishing and hoping that it will be mine someday but somehow know or get the feeling that it is not possible, or try to fight for it and not regret for not trying. But......

21 April 2009 10:35pm

Taken

2009-04-11T22:32:00.003+08:00

Into the 4th month of year 2009. Time sure flies....

Last weeekend celebrated ger's 28th birthday (and also a belated birthday celebration for carol). I'm just glad that this bunch of sec sch classmates still bother to gather together every now and then to celebrated each other's birthday. A routine that we religiously followed since we left sec sch. As all of us get older, I wonder what will the future bring for me and for my friends....

That night after dinner, ger and gang decided to go bowling and we headed to orchid country club. It has been a very long time since I stepped into this place. I had my first job as a part-time waitress at a cafe here after my O level exams and missed those days. As the car turned into the car park, I thought I caught a glimpse of my ex-captain and guessed he must still be working at the club all these years.

Thurs was cher's birthday and her friend planned a surprise dinner for her and got mel to coordinate with the others to join in. She was so touched that we were all there. She looks happy.

Tried a two-hour bodycombat class yesterday at the gym and brought yh along. I was amazed I could endure till the end of the class..almost...we went to Iluma to catch the movie Taken, which is really good. Intense and grippling till the every end. Its scary that human trafficking still happens, especially to women and children. Ladies, be wary when you talk to strangers overseas. yh and I were talking before the movie started and I was saying how I am now back to my pre-relationship days. Before my previous relationship, I was leading a life like now - work, band and friends. Being single for more than a year now, life has been pretty ok. Like what yh said, I think music saved me. Continuing to play in the band kept me alive in a way...occupied my mind when I am stressed at work and my friends there are great. suz certified me "all clear", as in full recovery mode although I have other things to worry about. Its still scares me a little although I hope to meet someone. xl commented that I am a bit aloof when it comes to meeting guys, saying that I need to be more initiative. I hope I don't seem to be that aloof.

11 April 2009 11:37pm

Ethan

2009-03-29T19:52:00.003+08:00

Suz and yh went to catch The Winter's Tale with me yesterday. We sat at circle 3, quite far from the stage. The faces of the actors were a bit small for us to see but seeing one of my favourite actors Ethan Hawke was still a plus point for me. The charactor that he played, Autolycus, was a mischevious thief who is funny. Love him. Not knowing what the story was about, we were puzzled and confused by the plot. But the acting was superb and next time if I were to attend another play, I will read up what the tale is about beforehand. It was a new experience for suz and yh although they had difficulty figuring out the story.

Actually I was moody yesterday. Was quiet most of the time after the play ended. We headed to suz's place to get stuff before we bought ba chor mee and yam paste at bedok and then went to ECP to eat and chill there with wine. Heard suz and yh talked a lot of things about their friends and outings and how much fun they had. Wished I get to join them too. And the part about a friend of theirs, it kind of reflected on me whether I am a stubborn and bad-tempered person. Am I difficult to get along with? Am I a good friend? Lately felt that I couldn't control my emotions as well ever since I joined the company.

The event on friday went rather alright. For the next similar event, I was thinking of a better way to admit and control the crowd as the queue was so long. But it was more of the negative vibe among my colleagues that bothered me. Things at work have not been smooth-going for them lately. It affects me and how I should be careful when I work with them. Anyway the feeling is just unhappy. Saw a few friends whom I have not seen for a long time at the party and it was good to see them. But didn't get to talk to one of them which was sad. sigh... I just hope things will get better and what I can do to help everyone.

29 March 2009 8:29pm

Hmmmm.....

2009-03-17T21:42:00.003+08:00

Today I had lunch with my colleagues at our office building canteen. Felt like ages since I came up (its on the 6th floor) because I was cooping up in the office during the period of working on the baby fest event. Somehow these days, there are times when I felt a slight disconnection with the others. The feeling was not the same as before. Although I know they are not angry with me anymore and have already put the bad incidents aside, the camaraderie is different even though we still talk to each other as usual. My boss made a comment to another colleague about working with me and "getting it from me" as we have an event party next friday. She put it in a joking way which was about my attitude during the expo event and all of us laughed and how she said that whether my colleague will be fine with me helping him. I wonder was it really so bad that she had to bring it up again? The party next week is not as stressful and I will keep reminding myself to stay cool.

Keeping heads up and hoping for better things to come...

17 March 2009 10:11pm

Am I in the wrong job?

2009-03-08T13:22:00.004+08:00

When we came back on tuesday after the event, my boss sat me down for a post mortem talk. As expected, she was disappointed with my attitude during the period of the event. I admitted I was wrong and reflected on my actions. She said I need to do some recovery with my colleagues and that I was also stubborn and territorial. Yup territorial...what a word. It was a bit shocking that my boss used those words but I know I am in the wrong and I want to make things right. Will have to start by keeping my cool when the tough gets going....

Been a week since I sent my phone for repair. Still no news. Currently I am using an old samsung phone and there were still very old messages stored in there, dated back to 2006. so long ago......anyway on my way home from gym just now, I was scrolling though those really old smses and saw this message from a friend.

"Dun grow old n feel regrets...for things not done, for words not said, for love not shown, life is too short ...do what makes you happy..take care! good nitez.."

It spurned on me that there are still many things I have not done and said. I'm also not sure if I am happy with what I am doing now. Do I like my job? Am I meant to be in marketing? After this period of slogging for the baby fest event, going through those stressful and emotional moments, I did have thoughts of quitting but I know better. A few days ago, I was talking to a colleague about my work. The one thing that struck me was the difference both of us felt about our job. He enjoys his work, like what he is doing. Meeting stressful deadlines for him is just trying his best to perform better, not the nagging thought of having to meet the deadline. Its the opposite for me. Maybe its the culture here or I am not strong enough to handle stress. I like meeting and working with new people and feel a sense of satisfaction when a project is completed successfully. But why is it that I don't enjoy the process?

I went for band practice yesterday. Been absent for a month (since concert).Things don't look good in the band and I am disappointed. Time to have a talk....

8 Mar 2009 1:52pm

Older but maybe not wiser

2009-03-02T18:43:00.003+08:00

The past week gave me new revelations about myself. Its either I think too much about work or I didn't give enough thought to my work. Doing stage production for the event over the weekend was a total new experience for me. I didn't know what to expect and so fumbled but I came out learning a lot when doing stage related tasks. For things that went wrong, I kept wondering whether it was my fault for not asking questions and or I was not sufficiently briefed to know what to do.

I think my colleagues were probably not happy with me as well. That I was inefficient and disorganised. What I can say was that there were too many things to do and too little time. In the process to cover all the tasks, I did the minimum required and so was not that organised. I feel that I could do better. Sometimes, I prefer to do everything myself but now I realised (maybe?) that I can't handle everything myself. However, there are always situations when it is better take matters into your own hands.

I also felt bad that I was bad-tempered. Stress and fatigue can really strain the work relationship with your colleagues. Spending my birthday at the event was not exactly an ideal situation but I was glad they made a card for me (they used the wakeboarding pictures as the cover!). Received an sms that mel & gang thought I was attending practice and bought me a cake on friday. Felt bad and touched as well. More touched to receive their messages. Suz and yh called me for drinks on sat after I finished work and seeing and talking to them made me felt better although I was so exhuasted that I did not have enough strength to talk. The event ended on a more light hearted note. They surprised me and v with a birthday cake. Invited the temp staff over for the cake as well. The entire group have been a great help, although they can be better managed. They added a few funny moments while working in this project. I hope things will be better in the office now that the event is over.

2 March 2009 7:45pm

wakeboarding

2009-02-22T21:16:00.002+08:00

It has been a fantastic weekend. Suz and the others celebrated my birthday early with me yesterday. She planned a wakeboarding session for us at punggol marina and it was great. There were suz, YA, yh, hm and weiL. I tried wakeboarding once a few years ago and found it exhilarating (when you are up on the board), although its difficult to learn. Trying it a second time brought back memories of the first wakeboarding session I had with my ytss gang:). Because it has been a long time, I couldn't quite remember all the rules but the instructor did a good job of briefing us. Guess I was a bit tired from all the late nights working so I didn't had the energy to do as well but I manage to stand on both feet on the board for a while. haha....the instructor seems a bit "beng" and a little too showy when he demostrated for us. I was thinking that he did it just to show off because demonstration from the instructor actually costs extra but we were not charged. He is quite a funny guy. We were saying probably to go again for YA's birthday and maybe we can get him to teach us again. It was tiring but everyone had fun :).

After the wakeboarding, we headed to true spa for our massage. Did the balinese sport to loosen my muscles as I was feeling quite stiff in my back and shoulder from long hours of working. But the massage hurt a bit. Now, I am feeling the ache from both the wakeboarding and the masasge. Dinner followed after that at heeren waraku. We had a huge group (teow, kev, xh, zz, jy, alan, yh, yx, ed, 3sa, qh, zy, YA, suz, hm, weiL,Ljun and Kel) getting everyone settles was a bit chaotic as we didn't all arrive at the same time but we managed to get seated together. I must really thank suz for this wonderful dinner. She did the same for me last year. :) Thanks babe! I think I owe you a lot! teow and kev will be going back overseas soon so I was glad they could come for the dinner. When they saw Ljun, kev asked him about his iceland trip two years back and I looked at him and we started laughing. We were reminded of the funny things he said last week about his iceland trip. Didn't managed to talk to everyone but I want thank all for coming:). After the cake, we went for some wine at wine connection (cuppage terrace) and suz introduced us the game, mafia. She was the story narrator and because we have a big group, it was interesting playing it as we tried to catch the "murderer". Need to analyse and think through the words that everyone said to get clues and catch the murderer. I hanged out a while longer with teow, kev, alan, jy and xh as kev is leaving on monday. Went supper with them but I was too tired to feel like eating. Take care kev! Hope to see you soon.

Hope I have rested enough for this weekend. The coming week will be extremely busy......I must survive....

22 Feb 9:48pm

Is it worth it?

2009-02-15T18:35:00.003+08:00

My pc broke down last friday and I had no computer access until a few days ago. Now I have a spanking new system. :)

Work for the past week has not been smooth sailing.....I stayed in the office till 1 am plus on Friday with my colleagues to check through errors in a collateral that we were rushing out to print. I am always willing to help out in my team but my boss lately kept emphasizing to us to take charge of only the tasks that we are assigned and not have more than 1 person doing the same job. I was quite fed up that it suddenly seem to be my responsibility to handle the collateral when it was not my charge. But I did my part to check through and I must say I am not that detailed enough. Yup, I still have lots to learn and am trying my best to be as meticulous as possible. However, I have not finish my work for the upcoming events yet and I certainly do not want to incur anymore wrath from my boss. She has been very unhappy over the way things have turn out for the preparation of the upcoming event happening in two weeks. In the process of rushing out the amendments of the collateral, I pointed out that the area was not my charge and admitted I did not do a good job in checking through but the main master copy was not done by me. There were tears and anger (not just from me) but at the end of the night, I just hope my colleague did not take this incident too personally. This project has caused a lot of stress and frustration to a few of us and I just hope the event will happen successfully. Any misunderstanding or harsh exchange of words were not intended and definitely not intentional. Ever since I came here, my colleagues told me this is just a job. Don't ever let it affect you.

Last saturday was symphonia's concert, Crown's Imperial. It was not as good as before. I guess the intensive practices has taken a toil on everyone, including me. Been practicing almost every night in the last week leading to the concert. During the performance, I could not reach my high notes at all. sigh....I wonder what went wrong.....is it the conductor or the committee? It was a reasonable performance but could be so much better if we had more time. I hope things will pick up for the band. Sometimes I think its not because the band can't do it, but its the committee who must have the confidence and assertiveness to manage the band.

Caught The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I love the parts where Benjamin and Daisy will whisper good night to each other before they go to sleep during the times when they were not together. It warms your heart to know someone faraway (or maybe near) misses you and wishes you well. I do that sometimes....

Kev came back for a short holiday from Austria. Yesterday we met up for dinner at Clementi, just me, zz, kev and teow. Clementi Central is undergoing a major revamp. The bus interchange is gone and the buidling with McDonald's near the MRT station has been replaced by a new shopping mall. The place holds some special memories for me. The coffee shop next to the interchange where we used to have supper after sp band prac is no longer there. I miss the food and chats we had at that coffeeshop. We will always throng down in a big group. It was great to see kev again. The four of us had a fun chat and kev made me and zz laughed so hard that we were tearing. The laughter helped to relieve some stress that was building up in me. We kind of met up in the wrong place. Wanted to go ktv but the available timing was too late and I didn't want to take a cab back. So we just hanged around in Clementi chatting. Always enjoyed such gathering with them but it gets a bit quiet when they go back overseas.

There are some things that we will always yearn for. But if its meant to be yours, it will come to you. Of course there will be sadness and its part of the process of life. I just don't want to have any regrets and I might do what I might have to do.

15 Feb 2009 7:46pm

Heartbreaking Tennis Match

2009-02-01T23:24:00.003+08:00

I don't play tennis but I enjoy watching tennis matches. Earlier I was catching the live match of the men single's final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal in the Australian Open. First time in a long long time that I watched an entire tennis match from start till end. I like both players, both champions in their own league but I am a Nadal supporter. He is just unbelievable. Critics were saying he won't win the match as he is not adjusted to hardcourt and also, he just finished a 5 hour plus semifinal match on friday. Should be super exhausted. However Nadal was really determined and pushed on to be the one to win the title when the favourite was Federer. I was happy that he won and so amazed at his mental and physical strength. But it was the moment when Federer broke down while he was giving his speech at the award ceremony that broke my heart. I could understand how he felt, having tried numerous times to overcome Nadal and he was aiming to win this grand slam as he has won it for the past few years. Its like the frustration that was built up and got too much to bear. Just like how I felt whenever I was so frustrated at situations that I could not handle or the stress was too overwhelming. I think the unwavering support of the spectators made it extra hard for him and maybe that's why the Australian Open title was special to him. At least he lost to a deserving player. I say cheers to both Federer and Nadal. Nadal will always have my support but Federer has caught my emotions.

Yesterday we had our cny gathering at gm's place. It was fun playing blackjack with them and I have not had that kind of laughter with them for a long time. I did not get to taste my aunt's salted vegetables with duck soup this year. She prepared something else instead. Something different for a change. Finally this year, I got to offer joss sticks at the crowded temples and wished that the year of the ox will be a blessed one for me. Chinese New Year is always boring to me as I am not that close to my relatives. Well, at least I feel that I can relate more to my relatives from my dad's side instead of my mum's. Its only the gatherings with my friends that are more enjoyable and I will reflect on how our friendships have lasted through the years.

This month will be hell at work. A major event coming up and next sat is sym's concert. Crossing my fingers.....

2 Feb 12:07am

Why bother?

2009-01-20T21:16:00.006+08:00

Today was the first time I got so angry over work since I joined. I really don't understand why people are so inconsiderate of how their actions will have a direct effect on other people's work efficiency. There is no excuse when it is your responsibility to get a task done and to get it done properly. Its natural that human beings will err at times but we should always try hard. As a result of someone's irresponsibility and tardiness, I could not submit in my POs in time. sigh....in addition to that, i was with greeted with sarcasm when I asked a senior colleague a question which she thought I should know. But I don't as it was my first time attempting the task. In life, there is always a first time in everything. Same goes for work. You learn new things everyday and should ask whenever you are unsure of anything. Like yx used to tell me, its better to be unsure and ask so that you will perform the right procedure instead of acting like you know it but did the wrong thing. Everyone works in the same company and should help each other. Why give such an attitude? I guess maybe in this day and age, the working world has become less tolerant and impatient with people who bother to ask questions.

Going on to happier things....we celebrated yt's birthday on sat at KTV Party World and learnt that she is with a new man. She looked so in love. Glad to see that she is happy. She wasn't this happy with her ex. But I can't say the same for myself. Met up with suz, YA and yh after the ktv. Had dinner and watched Changeling. The story is moving. Persistence and hope can really make a difference in your life. While waiting to get into the cinema as they were buying drinks, yh asked me if it is better to be single or attached? Knowing why she asked this question with the problem she is facing now, I told her that the grass always seems greener on the other side. Although I hope to be in a relationship again, I am so afraid of the pain that it brings.

Need to brace myself for tougher times....

20 Jan 2009 11pm

waiting....and be strong

2009-01-11T21:38:00.002+08:00

It wasn't a fun weekend. I had to work yesterday for an event and then attended L's wedding dinner. He looked really happy. Sang a song for his bride and his speech inspired me a little in looking and waiting for love. Seeing everyone around getting married, I can't help but think maybe I wasn't destined to spend my life with anyone. Cught up a little with old friends from my first company that I worked at after graduating from poly. Stev seemed to have aged a bit, spotted white hair at the sides of his head. Chatted a bit and he seemed to be doing ok. I remembered when he employed me for my first job, he gave me an impression that he does not like me at all. Always a frustrated or unfriendly manner whenever he communicated to me at work. After telling a friend that I intended to resign about 6 months into the job, his attitude towards me changed for the better. Guessed my friend told him despite telling her to keep it a secret. Well, its all in the past. Friendship can develop in a different way as the years go by. A bad start might end up good.

Cher is back and she came on friday's practice to see us. I was so glad to see her and updated her with a few of my recent happenings. This weekend was also band camp but I didn't stay over. I can't anyway since I had to work yesterday. Band camps always bring back nostalgic memories of my student days in uni.

My company introduced new initiatives to cut down on cost this year as we face the worst recession in years. No pay cut technically but it still causes a cut in our salary and thus a lesser take-home pay amount. I think its better than being jobless. I just need to cut back on spending and save more. Especially for my trip in July.

Difficult times ahead. Got to be strong.

11 Jan 2009 10:15pm

Leading to 2009...

2009-01-03T01:53:00.007+08:00

Attended Sm's wedding last saturday. She looked ravishing in her gown. A little more interaction today I guess....ps was also at the wedding. Have not seen her for a long time and her happy-go-lucky cum joker personality is still there. At least I learnt that xh and I have a common interest in the Twilight series books and we rattled off excitedly about the story and the movies while js was caught sitting between us. I do miss the old days when I could feel so at ease with them. Maybe its because we have not been keeping in touch all these while. When the dinner ended, I told sm to catch up soon as I shook her hand. She said the same thing too. I really hope so.... They decided to go ktv after that but I didn't join them as I wanted to go to the gym early the next morning so I missed it. Hope they won't think that I am being anti-social or something.

I received a nice surprise on monday morning when I reach my office. It was raining that morning and I was feeling quite restless about work. A bright star-shaped note pasted on an envelope greeted me at my desk. It was a nice gesture which I appreicated it :). Spent the next few days trying to clear as much work as possible as my boss will return next monday. There are just so many things that everyday went by in a blur. I can't remember exactly what I was busy with but I always end up having to rush out my tasks when I have time to do it. sigh.....at the same time I had to cover my colleague's duties as she was on leave as well. Guessed I was overwhelmed with work? I am still trying to find out whether I am poor in organising my time or is there just too much work for me to handle at a time.

New Year's Eve. There was der, teow, jy, LC, Dx, HJ and myself at XY's place for a potluck gathering. Been a long time since I went to XY place. Think it was chinese new year some years ago when I was last there. We were chatting and and somehow technology came into the picture as XY was mentioning that her primary school students are more IT-savvy than her. It's kind of alarming to know how fast teens these days catch on in technology. And also the advancement in techonology. Like XY mentioned her schol had these smartboards which are like giant touch screen tablet PC where students can write their response or interact by touching/writing on the giant screen instead of clicking the mouse on the monitor. I wouldn't be surprise that such hi-tech equipments will be a common sight in our offices in the next few years. HJ felt that such advancements are too much of a waste in resources and are such inventions necessary. In a way, its true that too much money is being spent on such inventions to improve our daily lives but as in any civilisation, technology improvements are part of the growth process. Der was saying there are also new yet-to-come-into-place stuff like GPRS-type cards for ERP charges. No gantry, just a sim card to track your vehicle location in order to charge your ERP accordingly. So if such technology come in place, there won't be any more privacy. Its kind of scary to know that such a day will come when your entire life is known to everyone due to techonology advancement. No privacy. After midnight struck, kev called us concurrently on skype to wish us happy new year. Because of interference, we kept to der's phone and spoke to him on speaker. Went through his Austria apartment pictures that he posted in facebook while he talked to us on the phone. It was funny as he described his room and daily stuff. We were looking at the possibility of bunking in when we visit him in austria. If it ever happens....that is...

Any new year resolutions? I think at least I know I want to get my career going, work hard and tolerate the nonsense for a period of time. Also, I hope to find someone that I love and who loves me as well but this always eludes me. I hope I won't give up.....
I want to thank all my dearest friends for being with me for the past year when I was down and needed support and advice. You guys know who you are. I won't be here now without you all. Suz, thanks for your encouragement and guidance and being there to show me how strong I can become (erm...still in the process of becoming strong...not strong yet..haha). Yanhui, thanks for your comfort and friendship. I know you are there when I need to talk and I am also here for you :). Mel, you are the first guy that I have literally poured my sorrows to when I was still unrecovered. Thanks man. I really don't know what to say. Cheryl, you made me realised a lot of things going on in me. miss you leh, can't wait till you get back home! Thanks for all your help and advice in getting me to where I am today. Siyun, thanks for your smiles, positivity and caring thoughts. Ok, I promise to be mindful of my drinking? haha....

To my ex, I do wonder at times how you are doing despite that I have move on and that you have left a deep scar on me. Yes, I still hate you a bit but I appreciate the lessons that this relationship has taught me. If there is ever a day where we can talk and be friends again, I will be glad. For now, I know you are one who prefers and chose not to keep in touch unless necessary, without any feelings, like a cold-blooded snake. However, I hope you will remember that you will always have a friend like me and I'm always here.

And to you......hmm.....guess you won't know anyway.....

Sat 3 Jan 2009 3:54am

A Less Extravagant Christmas

2008-12-25T22:41:00.003+08:00

I didn't spend a lot of money on christmas presents this year. With the economic downturn, I decided to be cautious in my spending. I even skipped Mango sale! I think Christmas is not about giving and receiving presents but spending time with people that you care for and letting them know that they matter in your life. I bought some small gifts for my colleagues and received some as well, including unusual wishes. I also gave him a small present and he was surprised by it and I'm glad it was a nice surprise for him first thing in the morning. Well it was just a small token. I hope he don't think it was too simple a gift.

Went for ktv with Teow and gang on Christmas Eve. Despite the busy lives we lead, somehow with this gang, the thoughts and gestures are still there all these years. We still keep in touch with each other, giving updates on our lives. Thanks guys, for the gifts and organising this christmas eve gathering. The singing was really funny....

Gm came back and the whole ytss gang met for dinner at marina square on tue. I have not seen them for a year since Gm's last visit. I guess everyone was pretty much the same as I did not get a chance to catch up with everyone. The one thing that struck me was how distant I felt about them even though I did not keep in touch with them for the past year because normally the feeling is still casual whenever we meet up. But that dinner gathering felt different. sm is getting married this sat and I'm happy for her. Not sure if she is tired or anxious about the wedding but we didn't talk much. Hopefully I get to catch up with them at the wedding dinner this sat.

I saw kev online just now and we wished each other merry christmas. He said he missed the old days at spband. Me too....time just passes too fast. Things have changed too. The poly band is still doing well and I heard the alumni band sounded good at the recently concluded concert. Der mentioned their uniform has changed. They have done away with the long black gown for girls. It is still a dress but some wierd colour or stripes at the collar? Anyway, things have become different.

I really wish 2009 will be a better year for me.

11:46pm 25 Dec 2008

Love is all Around?

2008-12-15T21:49:00.004+08:00

I spent the whole evening yesterday watching movies on TV, Superman Returns and Love Actually. I have watched Superman Returns at the cinema when it was released a few years back but never seen Love Actually. I love it. "Love actually is all around". How true it is.....or is it? I think I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. I am just lacking in love from the opposite sex. Alhough as much as I yearn to be in love, I am also afraid of the pain. One of the characters in Love Actually chose not to express his love for the woman he loves up till she married his best buddy. And when the girl found out, he said it was a way of self-preservation for not telling her how he felt. I wonder if it is better to be in love and feel the pain and agony of loving someone who also loves you or is it better to be loveless and be free of any pain and sufffering? Well, the guy did express his love to the girl (in messages written on cards!) in the end and got a kiss back from her. After that, he said to himself "enough now. enough". I wonder what he meant by that. Expressing his feelings to the girl so that she knows is enough for him? I guess so. At least he will not regret one day for not telling her.

My company had a christmas party event last thursday and it was the second last event of the year for us. Setup in the afternoon was tiring, having to pack 200 bags of goodies. The temp staff we got was terrible as he kept complaining that he is sick, can't work. I gave a good earful. If he is sick, he should not come to work as i think it is not worth it for him to tire himself out when he is sick. If he wants to stay to work, then he need to stop complaining. That is the right attitude. But he continued to be whiny, unhelpful, unenthusiastic and slow throughout the whole night and I decided not to engage him anymore for future events.Even though he related to my colleague that he is jobless and has a family to provide for and she felt bad for telling him off, I still felt that his work attitude sucks. Every person in this world has difficultites in their lives. If you can't help yourself, no one can help you. If this temp staff actually has a good work attitude then people will want to engage him for more job assignments and he will have income for his family. I really wonder why a man of his age didn't think of that. The event went ok...I think...although the printer made a hiccup with our poster and the giving out of the goodie bag was quite chaotic. But at every event, I learnt something new. Hopefully I will remember what I learnt and not repeat any mistakes. I must not.

Saturday was the last event of the year which I was helping for my colleague. The venue was cosy but quite out of place for some guests. After that hanged out with teow and A. We caught The Day the Earth Stood Still. Sad to say it was not that fantastic. The plot is good but I feel that the whole movie did not develope the story enough to create any depth.

The highlight was when he told me I looked great that night. :)

15 Dec 2008 11:24pm

my race.....

2008-12-08T12:12:00.006+08:00

I ran at my first Standard Chartered Marathon yesterday, completing the 10km race in approx. 1 hr 27 mins. I took it slow as I was afraid that my knees will not be able to hold out the distance. The pain came at the 5k mark. I was glad Huim was with me throughout the race and spurred me on as we sprinted the final metres to the finishing line. Extreme pain followed....

The reason why I run at the long distance races is that I want to develop a strong mind and a healthy body. I think if I can endure the pain that I experience during a run, my mind should be able to take me through any challenges, such as those that I experience at work.

After the race, all of us (suz, her bro, YA, Pat, Ed, Yh and HuiM) went for breakfast at Bugis Junction's Ya Kun Kaya Toast. I always like the feeling of having a meal and conversation with a close group of friends. Makes me feel cosy. Although I don't exactly have this feeling at home, I just don't want to think too much about it.

Attended shir's christmas party in the evening which she organised it with her church cell group mates. Her friends were really nice, trying to make us feel at home. As much as I know that they are nice and friendly people, I just don't think I will convert to a christian. I believe Jesus exists but I just don't hear or feel him talking or answering to me, with all due respect. I just don't feel anyhing. So every year at christmas time, when shir invited me to her church gathering, I will go as its an invitation from her and the whole group of us gals will also go and take it as a small gathering for us. I'm not exactly there to be touch by Him. I'm just happy to hang out with shir and my gang of caring angels.

I didn't see ms at yesterday's race but if she is going ahead with her India trip, I really pray that she will be safe and sound.

I miss the msning.....
8 Dec 2008 2:27pm

Am I suffering from side effects?

2008-11-30T20:59:00.007+08:00

Just learnt on monday that I was supposed to help my colleague with her event which happened yesterday. Some miscommunication last week and I thought I was helping out at another seminar instead.

It was a tieup event with another external partner and I was appalled at how clueless and disorganized they are. My colleague was frustrated with them for not knowing the details leading to the start of the event such as space allocation and such. All questions were answered with "I am not sure" and without answers, we couldn't plan our event. It was only on friday (the third day of the partner's event)that we were able to see the whole setup (which they actually change everything on the second night after a big boo boo ). So we discussed with the executive from the external partner side on where we want to set up our things for the program on sat.

And guess what, after getting everytrhing ready yesterday, the executive's boss came and want us to change the things that we have laid out. More disorganisation and it was about an hour to the event. The exec's boss didn't seem that nice to us until my boss came and saw what happened. To make matters worse, they let the public into the venue when it was supposed to be a two-hour private event. I admit our guest attendance was not that good but the food we catered was for our guests only and ended up everyone helped themselves to the food. The external partner boss later apologised and offered to share the cost. But we won't as we felt its not nice to do that. Later, the external partner boss even asked my colleague if everything is ok and also apologised to my boss for everything being so messy. How fake. I bet she was compalning about us as I saw her talking to her staff with her eyes on me and her expression gave it away at a particular moment when I was speaking to my friend.

From this event, I learnt from my boss on the things that we will notice as an outsider's point of view. As we are not the organiser, just a partner, we can pinpoint the things that went wrong at this setup which are unacceptable by my company's standards. For example, the plasma TV that they got in for us had a dirty screen with tiny specks of dried white paint on it! I really wonder why the exec didn't look at it. Even their black panel displays and coverings were badly done. There were fingerprints and white paint smudges on the black glossy surface of their display. They should have ensured that all these were cleaned up. Imagine what their guests will say when they spot all these?

So fedup....sometimes I think this is the only avenue for me to vent my work fustrations as I can't let it out anywhere. The work exposure is great. Although I am accepting the downsides of the job, sometimes the frustration is too big to ignore. I wonder if I am suffering from sides effects of my work. Like insufficient sleep, stress, anxiety and poor memory (too many things to remember!). Even my friend said that I am being over sensitive over some dinner matter and whether I was too stress. Sigh.....another matter was that my boss could not convert me with the freeze in headcount but what she can do is to extend my contract for another year. That I will accept as I don't mind but I hope they will increase my staff benefits with more annual leaves. I will have to talk to her about that.

After the event yesterday, I caught up with lc and her bf. Walked around in far east plaza but couldn't find what I wanted. Got a pair of cropped pants at Mango instead. We also took some photos with the christmas lightings at orchard. This year's decor seemed a bit bland, including the tall christmas trees at Takashimaya. The design looked traditional, not enough bling and heartwarming aura to it.

Hoping for a better week ahead...

30 Nov 2008 10pm

Twilight Feelings...

2008-11-23T22:10:00.005+08:00

I was reading the Twilight saga books. Finished Twilight yesterday and I started on the sequel New Moon just now. Edward (the vampire) told Bella (The human girl who fell in love with Edward) that he is leaving, that his family need to leave town and he cannot be with her anymore. The scene was so sad...especially the part where Bella called out to Edward and reached for him. He took her by her wrists and moved her arms to her side. Quick peck on her forehead and he was gone. It was really strange to read this as I recall a year ago, I broke off with my ex boyfriend and the scene in the story just reminded me of it and how familiar it sounds.
Wow...its been a year since I became single. I did not keep in touch with my ex because he prefers not to (unless necessary even though he claims we are still friends) and so I left it that way. I have not seen him ever since we broke up and I think I would prefer not to. Some months back, I thought I saw him from afar at the bus interchange. I was waiting for my feeder. It was late and I was making my way home after practice, feeling really tired (I remember that period was when we were preparing national band competition and that was the time where we were practising intensively). So I was in my queue and when I look ahead, I thought I saw him in the distance at another bus queue (that bus happens to go to his place). The silhouette looks really like him and a shiver went down my spine as that man was also staring in my direction. It was like I saw a ghost. I looked away and acted normal. It was far and I could not be absolutely sure it was him as I thought through when I got onto my bus. I was thinking maybe my eyes were playing tricks as I was exhausted from the day's work and band practice.
So its really strange that a year later, I am hooked to this twilight saga stories and I was reading the breaking up of Edward and Bella, like how he left me. Wierd and a bit sad but I am looking forward to a life with someone whom I am destined to be with. The feelings have changed and I guess I have also changed.

23 Nov 2008 10:36pm

It's not looking good

2008-11-18T22:28:00.004+08:00

bad times......and i wonder if I will still be working in this place in 3 months' time...when my contract ends...
nope, i don't regret leaving my ex-company...that place do not deserve me. Even though its a full-time position.
Although my current boss has got high expectations and the job is so damn stressful, I actually feel that this place can make me grow. I am learning to handle tasks that can be difficult and knowing how to deal with it made me stronger. Yes, there are lots of frustrations but I am starting to accept it. But just when I am beginning to like my job, I face uncertainties. The financial downturn has resulted in a budget cut and I am not sure if I am going to be confirmed as a permanent staff. No news of it lately as well and the things that I have doing for the past few weeks do not bode well too. I am not sure what my boss is thinking now but I hope she can see my hard work although I make mistakes and don’t perform as well at times. I’m just so f**king fed up why things don’t turn out well when the situation was starting to look promising! I want to stay on. I don’t want to be on the move for another place again. I’m just so f**king tired!!!

sad.......

18 Nov 2008 10:30pm

Easing in....

2008-11-09T19:29:00.005+08:00

The Gathering

Yesterday we had a gathering of people whom I have not seen for a long time. Its my spband friends (from my batch) and everyone still seems pretty much the same, busy with work and other stuff. The main topic of our conversations seem to revolved around the gloomy economic situation now. Reduced budgets, freezing of headcounts.....although we are all not in the financial sector, we still feel the impact of the downturn. Don got a pair of levi's (from the outlet at Raffles City) at $50 off by trading in your old jeans so I also went to have a look. But the sales girl wasn't so helpful and my size was not available so I didn't get it in the end. It was mainly due to the unhelpfulness of the sales assistant that I did not buy anything. She didn't even bother to offer suggestions or find out exactly what I was looking for. The art of service is certainly not easy to attain but I feel that enthusiasm goes a long way. Sure its easy for me to say that but I have also worked in retailing before. The store wasn't busy at that time and if the sales assistant choose to idle around and not bother about serving me, I shall bring my business to somewhere else.

Anyway, we ended off the evening with coffee and more chats. The feeling is familiar as we always had coffee over conversations during the old days.

Nice Dinner

My boss treated us to dinner on wed and it was really fun. For the first time, i actually felt relaxed and there was so much talk and laughter and I got to know my colleagues better. Work is really stressful here. So far I have got through it because my colleagues have been helpful in showing me the way. Heard some things during the dinner and it made me wonder whether some people are not what they seem to be...

Band Break

The band is taking a break for exams and friday was the last practice. They had a performance yesterday but I couldn't take part in it due to the gathering. I hope the performance went well although I felt it was too last minute and slightly not organised. Sometimes I feel like helping them by offering my advice on how things can be done. As I was previously the librarian when I was in the committee, I wonder if I should offer my help to the new librarian on how she could perform her task better. But I was afraid that I will be intruding or stepping into areas that are no longer my business to bother with.

Year is coming to an end soon.....time really flies. And I am thankful to my friends for getting me to where I am today.

I'm still hoping...

9 Nov 2008 8:40pm

Feelings of frustration but with a dash of happiness

2008-11-02T19:22:00.003+08:00

The Event
The days leading up to wednesday were bad. After the long weekend holiday (which I spent the sunday working), tuesday was a mad dash. I think my boss was stressed over the event and reprimanded me and my colleague for not doing and preparing enough and being unsure of our respective roles for the program. A miscommunication in our discussion made me thought I should print one master list and one rsvp list for the reception. I also misunderstood my boss's email. She was hopping mad when I got to the venue on wed morning. I had to call my colleague at the office to re-do the list and help me get it printed. I actually stayed at the office till midnight the night before to print the list but the formatting kept running our of place and I was so frustrated with it. Only had a few hours of sleep and even dreamt that I was still doing the excel sheet in the office! The whole day of setup went on with scoldings from my boss but I bear with it although I nearly broke down after the morning incident. The event went rather well without a glitch but I felt I could have done better if my boss actually got me more involved in the planning because she kept saying she has to tell us what to do at ground level. But if she had got me more involved in the planning since day one, I would have thought of the questions earlier and not the day before. Or am I being incompetent?
The next day at work, my boss sent a thank-you email to me and my colleague and told us to take two days off as long as we clear off any urgent stuff. Just when I thought things might be ok, she chided my other colleague and me for not doing this powerpoint file for another dept which they needed it asap. But then, in an earlier email that she sent last week, she told everyone that we are busy with wed's event and could only discuss about it on thursday! She doesn't seem to recall what she has mentioned before and should check what she replied first before saying anything. But I must say she is a good leader.

Slow progress at rehearsal
My conductor didn't come at friday's practice. There was this student who came to conduct the band as past of his assignment and this incident created some bad vibe among a few people. Its all bad decision making but I hope things will pick up after this. We went Robertson Quay for drinks and I got drunk again ( wasn't like this for quite some time). Sorry guys :(.

Bliss
Yesterday was KT and Shar's solemnisation ceremony. A simple affair at the singapore arts museum. A few of us helped to coordinate to throw rose petals at shar and her dad down the isle as he gave away his daughter to KT. We were camwhores the whole evening, taking a lot of pictures. Xl wondered why people from our class who seemed the least likely to get married first are hitting the altar before us. I wonder as well but I have kind of leave it to fate to decide when I will meet my prince charming. To create some fun, KT and Shar gathered all the single ladies to catch the throwing bouquet. shir nearly caught it but it slipped her hand and fell to the ground so shar threw it a second time. Someone else caught it instead and shir lamented that it should have been hers. haha....

Its been a frustrating week but there was a moment when my mood was lifted. He came by to talk to me...:) and that made my day.

2 Nov 2008 9:34pm

losing time....

2008-10-27T20:48:00.004+08:00

I had some wierd flashbacks this morning when I woke up. I remembered the science lab in my secondary school where I did my chemistry and physics practical lessons, the funny incidents that happened there, the wooden stools and tables. I remembered the bus stop at my business block in sp where I will wait for the bus and also a meeting point with my friends. Strange....been remembering things from the past lately....

Its the long weekend but I didn't get to enjoy much of it as my dept had an event at raffles city. My colleague and I took turns to help out at the booth. It was tiring and I have another major event coming up on wed. I'm just looking forward to the event being over soon. I guess the good thing about my job is that I can get to know a lot of people and talk to them, like I was talking to this guy from this picturetaking company which we engaged for the event. And it was interesting to listen to his take on relationships and office politics.

Thursday, I left office quite late and was late for a dinner with suz, yh, yx and rh. Been a long long time since I last saw rh and it was nice to see him again. I bought suz a birthday cake and we celebrated her birthday a day early. I was feeling bad that I couldn't be more involved in celebrating her birthday. Her friends planned a surprise for her yesterday and asked me to join them. But as I was working yesterday, I was unable to be there for her. Sorry babe..but I'm glad to hear that your birthday weekend has been great...with an additional surprise! :) I wonder whether this new job of mine has been draining my energy. I seem to have less time for band and friends. I really need to keep up my playing.

wishing and hoping......*winks*
27 Oct 2008 10:02pm

Difficult Times

2008-10-19T19:22:00.005+08:00

Is there such a thing as a good death? Maybe there is but I am not sure because we don't know what happens after death. Is there such a thing as afterlife? Chinese beliefs say there is but I'm skeptical about that. I'm just reacting to an article that I read by Sumiko Tan in today's newspaper. Yes we all will die one day. Its just a matter of whether the process will be a peacful or painful one. When I read how Sumiko's father died, I started thinking how I will react when such a day arrives. My dad is old and is suffering from several ailments. He often laments how he is leaving us soon and that just annoys me. Because I hate it when he says that. He is a good dad but just like any parent, they get on your nerves sometimes but deep down, you still love them. I don't look forward to it but I know I have to prepare myself for the day when my love ones will pass on. I remember attending the funeral of my girlfriend's mum a few years ago and I felt so sad for her. She seem to be accepting it when I saw her at the funeral but I couldn't help feeling the pain. I imagine how I would feel at my own parent's funeral. Sumiko mentioned in her article that there are four things to ensure a "good death". A good state of health which will minimize your sufferings, existence of family and friends who will care and support you, money to get you the care and comfort that you need in your remaining days and religion to make you feel better. I feel that the second factor is the most important of all as I think it could alleviate a lot of pain caused by the process of dying. I can't do much about my dad's health now but I guess I can help to make him feel better. But I'm just afriad his negativity will make me try less harder. Well, we won't know what wil happen in the future.....

After practice on friday, I hanged out with my sym gang at ice cold beer. It was a fun night as we played drinking games and ate lots (I like the part where we have to take out the little green man from the glass before we drink and putting him back into the glass). C was with us and I know he is still trying to get over his breakup. He drank too much and got drunk. Seeing how upset he is made me recalled my pain. No worries I am fine already. Just that I wonder how I could make him feel better. I told him to try and get his ex back if he really loves her and if she is adament in not starting over again, then he should move on. I hope you will overcome this period, C. You much be strong.

Yesterday met up with Ljun and we watched Burn After Reading. It quite a funny movie, a little lame and maybe not enough weight on the stroyline but I enjoyed it. It also gave an insight on how people will go to great lengths to attain good looks so as to find a life partner. It doesn't work this way. I don't deny looks matter somewhat when it comes to finding a partner but a lot also depends on the chemistry you have with the person. I will never resort to plastic surgery to look good, like what Frances McDormand's character does in the movie. I exercise to stay in good shape and to be healthy. Exercising will actually do a lot to boost your confidence, reduce stress and keeps one looking young.

Bad financial times now. Got to save and spend less....holding on....holding on.....

8:19pm 19 Oct 2008

So what do you want me to do?

2008-10-15T23:00:00.003+08:00

I'm just sick of everything. I want a new life. So what if people thinks I am unfilial, irresponsible or simply don't care? They don't understand or know me at all. They don't know what is happening in my life. It doesn't mean that I don't do or say anything, it shows that I don't care. There is only so much that I can do and I have tried all that I can. If you don't help yourself, what can I do other than watching you go away?

15 Oct 2008 11:06pm

Try harder....

2008-10-12T22:14:00.004+08:00

I have been catching the 3rd season of Heroes and the storyline so far is intriguing and thought-provoking. The latest episode showed how selfishness and greed could lead to destruction of a person and to the world. With the downturn of the financial sector and the world economy, I would say it could be caused by these two evils. We see these evils at work in our everyday lives.

Its been tiring and hective at work. I forgot to settle some tasks at the office on friday. Guess I am going to get it from ym manager tomorrow...sigh....two more events for tomorrow and tuesday. I really need a good rest.

sym performed at esplanade today. Its our first performance at the grandest arts venue in singapore and sadly, it didn't turn out as good as we wanted it to be. Due to a lack of time and preparation, we didn't play that well. I hope this serves as a wake up call to everyone, that the progress of this band relies on every single person's effort and commtment. I must say I did not put in my all for this performance and had tried hard with my busy work schedule but I wonder whether I have done enough? During the midst of this performance, a friend of mine told me his gf left him and he was devastated. It reminded me of my breakup last year and as a friend, I did what I could by relating what I learnt from the experience. Be strong my friend...only time can heal all wounds.

I dread tomorrow.....
12 Oct 2008 10:58pm

A Fairytale Wedding

2008-10-07T22:22:00.004+08:00

It was a lovely wedding.

My galfriend cin got married on sunday and sdra, emi and I were her bridesmaids, together with a few of her other good friends. I really took my hat off her and her husband for planning such a detailed wedding with unique touches that I didn't or seldom see at other weddings.

The morning gatecrash action by the groom's party was the hilarious one. The groom actually barged in through the window in the bedroom next to the living room! And we didn't get our full red packet amount! The groommen were also a bunch of crazy and funny people. But what touched me in the entire wedding was the MTV they made using scenes from their outdoor photo taking session for the wedding photo album/gallery (oh, you should see how they do up their reception area! Instead of a photo montage, they displayed their wedding photos in a gallery setting. Viewing the pictures on frames and boards and nicely decorated. There were also well-wishes trees and an express photo-taking area for guest to take their picture and get it printed on the spot). It was sweet and loving and cin was so beautiful. The scenes showed how much they care and love each other. Earlier, as emi and I were sitting at the reception counter, I was telling her that seeing everyone around me getting married and attached made me feel a bit dejected about myself...but she said I should enjoy my singlehood and the special someone might not be far away.

But what really made me glad was that the four of us still care and keep in touch with each other after all these years. Cin's wedding brought us all back together again and the feeling was pure nostalgia. Real friends are those who pulled through with you after many years of changes and chapters in your life.

Hectic week ahead.....

11:45pm 7 Oct 2008

a word of thoughts....

2008-09-29T23:58:00.003+08:00

in time's grace we find
framed in cloud's breath, hushed in sky
our dreams still, untouched

it's in the future that we find [the reality of] our dreams, so claim it now and dream as often as you can...while you still can

from my dear friend, David Harper.

30 Sept 2008 12:11am

Hectic

2008-09-28T21:21:00.005+08:00

I finally got to watched season 3of Heroes. Watched on streaming tv websites which is a bit jerky. It was great. My favourite character is Peter Petrelli. :)

The past week has been extremely hectic. My dept had to move to a new work area within the office, downstairs actually, so my colleague and I were busy moving stuff and doing our work at the same time. There was so much packing done and lots of stuff to sieve through and throw away. On Thursday, my manager talked to me again. She will convert me to a permanent position after all and want me to take over a task that has been vacant for a while. I wasn’t very keen in the task but I thought that maybe I can give it a try and at the same time, help the entire dept in whatever marketing activities are going on, especially during peak period where some of my colleagues will need the extra assistance. My manager called it “floating” around the dept which is helping everyone and I think I will still learn useful things by doing some miscellaneous stuff and handling the duty that my manager wants me to be in charge.
I do worry whether I am trying too hard to deliver and if I have produced good performance; my manager might deem me a failure if I made a mistake. She has high expectation and said unless I did terribly, I should be fine. She answered my queries as to why she always refers me as a temp staff in her correspondence to everyone. She told the whole dept that she will convert me to permanent at a short meeting on Friday.

Ended work late on Friday and then went to school to attend sym’s AGM. I have not been attending their past few AGMs so this one is probably special. Yx was there as well and being the only two alumni there, the feeling was weird and nostalgic. I remembered during my exco’s AGM that year and I was also standing there presenting my office and handling over to the new leader of the office of library. I left after the AGM ended as I had to work the next day. I went back with Au and we updated each other on the train. She is taking a break from sym. I need to quickly practice my part for the upcoming performance. So stressful with work and band!

Yx, 3sa and al came for my event on Saturday and we went to catch Painted Skin, a Chinese movie about a fox spirit who falls in love with a war general and wants to get rid of his wife so as to become his wife. It was a touching story and it taught me that one will really sacrifice a lot for love. It is also possible to fall for someone else when you are already married but still feel committed and responsible to stay in the marriage instead. I guess love will fade in a marriage as time goes on and it takes more than just love to stay together.

Met someone quite cute in the office recently. Well, I just see how things will progress as I continue my work there. :)

28 Sept 2008 9:29pm

Revelation

2008-09-21T00:49:00.004+08:00

Time really flies at work. With so many things to handle, every work day just passes by with ease. I got to know my boss better with every week and this week, I came to realize what high expectations she has of her staff. We had an event yesterday and due to a miscommunication and partly my fault as well, the guest list wasn't as long as she expected and she was angry with me for not informing her earlier so that we could ask the sales dept to contact their friends and clients to come for the event. I thought she would do it as I heard her mentioning she has asked the sales dept to stand by when we met up with the event host last week. So when she realised the problem on thursday morning, she told me that I am not needed to help out at an event that afternoon. Instead, use the rest of the day to gather more people for the event. Towards the end of the day, I updated her with the numbers. That night, she called me to ask about the final rsvp and explained why she was angry and I understood and apologised to her. At least she bothered to tell me why she was disappointed and told me to learn from this incident. I learned from my mistake but also came to a view that no matter how much you do or how hard you try at work, it will never be enough for your boss.

Yesterday at work, she seemed to be in a bad mood and actually flared up at me and my colleague when we were late in meeting her at the carpark to go for the event. I felt that she didn't have to react like that although I was sorry that we should have left the office promptly. The event went well and I thought it was not bad although the sales target was not met but the event client told me that the objective of creating awareness for the store was at least achieved. Bought a nice pair of earrings but I still have not gotten a new bag. My bag is spolit. :(

Hope the new week will be better. Another event next week and I hope it will be successful.

So tired......

21 Sept 2008 1:34am

You can't have the whole cake I guess....

2008-09-13T09:23:00.004+08:00

Been three weeks at my new job. It has been stressful but I actually enjoy the job scope althought there is a lot of work to do. Lots of coordination, planning and anticipation required. My manager told me that her assessment of my work performance so far is not bad and most likely she will convert me as a permanent position. She still needs time to find out what are my strong and weak points and as long as I do not fail her badly, I will be fine. I felt really encouraged when I heard that. Now I'm just waiting to be confirmed and will continue to put in my best performance. Colleagues are not bad although there are some unfriendly ones, like this designer who is always so grumpy, talks a bit rude and can't seem to get some things right.

Yesterday my company had an event and I helped out at the reception to receive guests and checked their names from the RSVP list. Of course, there are some who claimed they rsvp but are not on the list and some who said they are friends of someone. There was this caucasian guy who is not on the list, gave some company name which we didn't hear of and some guy nearby shout across that he is with him but we don't know who he is. After some probing and trying to explain nicely that this is an invitation-only event, the caucasian guy asked back whether I have anything against americans, is it that I dislike george bush. I was like ??? what the hell? I am just doing my job and I told him I am not against him for anything, just want to prevent gatecrashers from entering the place. My colleague who was with me then told me to just let him in and told him we are not upset with him for anything. She just want to prevent a scene. Sigh....some people should show basic courtesy when turning up for events and don't take things badly if they are refused entry. Just ask nicely.

13 Sept 2008 10:07am

Thank you Stranger!

2008-09-03T21:28:00.005+08:00

I was out running earlier.

I thought the rain had stopped so I went for the run even though there was a teeny weeny drizzle but I thought it would stop. It didn't and got heavier when I was like 3/4 of the way. As I was trying to rush back, I was stopped by a commotion outside the primary school near my place, along the sheltered pathway. There is actually a construction going on at the school and a huge construction vehicle (those long lorries that transport construction vehicles like forklifts and cranes) was trying to reverse into the site but ended up blocking the entire road. I was soaking wet and with the passer-bys and the super long vehicle blocking the way, I couldn't pass through so I just stood there and wait while the contruction workers figure out how to get the driver to manoeuver the truck in.

And then, a bespectacled guy who was standing next to me and saw that I was soaked through, offered me a pack of tissue and showed a gesture to wipe my wet face. I was surprised and turn him down at first but he insisted so I accepted the kind offer. So we just stood there and watched the entire drama where the super long vehicle struggled to reverse in with all the other motorists blaring their horns impatiently. All this while, I know this guy was looking over at me but I didn't really looked at him. Guess I was a bit embarrassed being soaked in my sports singlet and shorts. When the road was cleared, all the passer-bys who were standing on either side of the long truck started walking pass the truck. I turned around and thanked him for the tissue. He smiled and I ran back home. What surprised me in this incident was that the guy bothered to offer me tissue paper after seeing that I got wet in the rain. I mean, many singaporeans are not that kind or helpful even when they see someone could need some assistance. I was running so of cos I would be sweaty and with the rain, it made things worse as I got wet all over. Any one who saw me would think its ok or jus simply ignore me. I just wonder what made that guy to bother to offer me tissue paper. Everyone was just standing around, watching and waiting for the road drama to be over and then head on their way. Would anyone bother to see who was standing beside him and see whether he needs help? But I guess he is one of those helpful ones who don't mind lending a hand when he sees one.

Thank you Stranger!

3 Sept 2008 9:55pm

Where do I stand?

2008-08-30T23:48:00.005+08:00

Well, its only been a week of work at my new job but somehow I don't feel a sense of belonging? Is it because I am just a contract staff? I'm not sure about that but I don't regret leaving my previous company. Although the workload is heavy here, I like the job scope better. The work environment is not very friendly. People here are not generous with their smiles even when I offered mine. The higher level staff seem to get grumpy or irritated easily. There was this senior whom I approached regarding an external merchant whom we tied up with for a giveaway promotion. There were several emails exchanged between the client and us and I needed this senior staff to update me whether a promotion mechanic that the external partner wants to insert into a writeup is in or not. Her answer wasn't clear, just told me to tell the merchant that we will look into it. And when I emailed her a gentle reminder, she replied back angrily, telling me to stop choking her email and already said she will put in the promotion mechanic but won't let the merchant to proofread. She was being a bit rude but since she is a senior, I decided to ignore it and just email her whenever its necessary. I wasn't sure why she found this whole matter so irritating but if she could just state clearly in the first place on the procedure to handle external partners on joint promotions or simply an answer whether to put in the promotion mechanic, I wouldn't bother her too much. I only felt it was right to reply the external merchant as they sponsored the giveaway prizes. Maybe I still have not understand the culture of the company and might have stepped on the toes of others. Sigh....guess I just need time to get used to the new place and not let minor setbacks affect me. I am trying to cultivate a positive attitude towards everything now. I wonder whether I have impressed my manager so far. Till now, I still feel a bit surprise that she offered me the job. I was wondering whether she employed me because she couldn't find any other replacements?

Cher left for Italy on wed and many of us went to send her off. She was busy talking and taking photos with everyone. We didn't get to have a heart-to-heart talk lately as she was busy preparing for this exchange trip. A bit sad that she won't be around for the next few months. Everyone bade farewell and took one last group photo before she checked in. We waved goodbye till she was out of sight.

Went to catch Wall-E on thursday. It was a funny and endearing movie. Besides showing how determine Wall-e is in saving Eva and the adventure along the way, there was also a side message that the movie was telling. If we don't protect Earth now, we might end up losing it and ourselves and perhaps living artificially in a world that is only about entertainment and nothing else.

There were quite a number of freshies at friday's band practice. The recruitment this year seems pretty good and a lot of the freshies actually hanged out with the group after practice. I didn't feel like drinking and didn't had dinner (I left office late as I was rushing an assignment for my manager. Hope I did it according to what she needs) before practice. A few of them also wanted to have supper so win, lu, ady, faz and I walked to a food centre near bugis to eat. Then we went to chijmes to look for them. Win was telling us jokes that made lu and myself laughed so much. The way she tells jokes is really funny. But sometimes, I feel really old or "out" as I am the only alumni there currently....

Its been a tiring week, having stayed back to do work. I hope next week will be easier.....

31 Aug 2008 12:29am

New Again....

2008-08-25T22:33:00.003+08:00

Today was a brand new start for me. New job, new boss, new colleagues. It started rather confusing as there were many things left behind by my predecessor which I need to take over. Things move fast over here. I was quite worried and scared but determinsed to do well. The first day started off a little bumpy but I think I just need time to get used to it. A stylist whom I knew from one of my past job actually recognised me and approached me to say hi. I remembered her but forgotten how she looks like until she came up to me. So surprised and glad to see her as I remember her as always sounding so cheerful and friendly over the phone and in person whenever she contacted me to borrow press items in my old job. Before I came today, I was even wondering whether I might meet her and now we are in the same office.

Well I going to work hard and not disappoint my manager :)

25 Aug 2008 10:51pm

We can't chase happiness

2008-08-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

Can we chase after happiness?

I finally realised the answer is no. Remember last week I was upset over a guy who wasn't that interested in me? So I smsed suz and she insisted on meeting me for dinner even though she had planned to meet her bf for movie. We met up to chat and I learned from her that in order to find happiness, you have to let happiness find you. We cannot pursuit happiness because it will not happen this way. You see, I have been trying to search for happiness, looking for the one that I love and will love me back. But it didn't work. I seem to be meeting the wrong guys. By the way, when I smsed suz and told her what was making me unhappy, she had a strong urgency to meet me that evening because there was once she felt unhappy and there was no one to talk to until her friend unexpectedly contacted her for a chat. Suz was reminded of this incident when I smsed her so she knew I really needed someone to talk to.

Today, I met xl for dinner and told her what I learned from suz. She was so touched when she heard what I said. Before today, she has been chasing happiness, looking for the one who will love her. Her mind really opened up after hearing me out. I didn't expect she will have such a reaction but I was really glad my words comforted her. Both of us have been feeling empty lately. We need to find something inside us which we feel fufilled or have good memories of to start off being happy or statisfied with ourselves. It has been a day about learning to be happy. This afternoon, I was watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show on cable tv and the topic was about the pursuit of happiness. Oprah invited an expert on this issue and he suggested that people who are not happy with their life can improve their situation by letting go of their past and be kinder to themselves and to the people around them. It was enlightening to watch that show.

Yesterday (Thursday) was my last day at work. I won't miss the place and the job but I will miss my colleagues as it was these few people that made my time there better, especially on sucky days. A lot of people didn't know that I was leaving. When I was saying goodbye to a director from another department, she commented that I am a person who will maintain good working relations at the expense of achieving work targets. I didn't know I was percieved as such but I guess I could look into this as I move to my new job. I think it is more important to complete work task than maintaning good colleague relations. However, good working relationship is also a neccessity at the workplace in order to get your work done. There have to be a balance between these two aspects.

A brand new start on monday.......
23 Aug 2008 1:12am

Memory Lane at Suntec

2008-08-16T21:45:00.003+08:00

Time really flies......its been a year since last year's convocation and here I am again playing for the ceremony. I was at Suntec City since 9am this morning for our performance. The band has been busy with rehearsals for today's convocation for the past week. Although we were at our top form for the competition last month, there will be days when you are at your lows. The performances went well during the past few rehearsals, including last night. However, there were a few hiccups during the actual event but such things do happen. I must commend all my band members for the great work they have put in. It is people like you guys that made me love this band. Even though I am feeling tired, the band kept me going....in a way......apologies to the trombone section for the slight mess up in the solo which our conductor made me took over. :(

A lot of things went through my mind during convocation as the band waited for its turn to play. While the program was proceeding, I was feeling disappointed that our opening piece (El Camino Real) did not shine. There were other things that made me unhappy as well but I will not say it here. But the good thing was we spotted a few potential members among the freshmen. The whole afternoon was nolstagic to me.....bringing back memories of my convocation during my freshmen year. There was this guy who was one of the performers and he really looks like a friend of mine. I asked several of my friends about this guy and then realised its not my friend whom at first I thought he was.

(by the way, in my university, convocation is a ceremony that marks the beginning of an academic year and to welcome the batch of freshmen into the university and is not the graduation ceremony that most unis call it. Our graduation is called commencement instead.)

After the ceremony was over, the band packed up and eli, sy, ms and I went downstairs to the Tangs bazaar sale to have a look but we didn't get anything. None of the perfumes on sale was Kenzo Flower :(. We went back up to grab our stuff and I went back to school with them. I had dinner with ed and gang and then went home with sy. Sy was really tired so we decided to take the train at Marina Bay. But our resting feet were interrupted when the train had to terminate at Dolby Ghaut due to a fault and we had to stand throughout the entire journey as the next train was damn crowded. So much for our attempt to get a seat on our way home.....:(

Counting down to my last day at the hellhole. Looking forward to my new job but there is something that is still bothering me.....

Really tired.....

16 Aug 2008 10:28pm

An Empty Feel...

2008-08-14T22:41:00.005+08:00

I was disappointed with him. So what is wrong with me? Why do I always meet the wrong guy? What is missing inside me?
I guess I was feeling empty inside. I am trying to find something to fill up the void and to do that I need someone who loves me and I can love back. Instead, my gf told me I need to believe in a faith to fill up my void first. Never search for a life partner. He will come to you when the time is right. My gf told me that we will never marry the guy that we like but with someone whom we are meant to be with. So she advised me to stop meeting the wrong guys and start realizing what I am doing to myself. I should know more people, get occupied with things that I like to do and stop doing things that will hurt me.
But I’m really not sure….Right now I still enjoy playing in band but lately, I have been feeling lethargic, like I have been doing this for too long and somehow I am not getting any satisfaction from it. The thought of quitting came to my mind. Sometimes I feel alone even though I am with my bandmates playing and having fun. Being one of the few alumni there, there is definitely a gap between me and the rest as they are still university students. Usual conversation that clouds the air are often school stuff, projects, professors which I am in a “been there, done that” stage and what I can only do is offer them advice if they need any. Other than that, I can’t talk much about current school affairs with them. Although when they ask me for working advice, I was more than glad to offer my two-cents worth.
I could probably start believing a bit more in my faith. I’m a Buddhist but I’m just following along as my family is Buddhist. I don’t know much about Buddhist beliefs or teachings but I guess I can find out.

Since I got a new job, I will focus on my career first and work hard to prove myself. This shall be my first step into filling up the void. Staying at my current place will only make me stagnant as I am not learning anything or improving my skills at all. Moreoever, my boss sucks big time!

Counting down.......I will miss my colleagues.....

14 Aug 2008 10:53pm

Oink and riberty-rib!

2008-08-12T00:32:00.004+08:00

It was a pretty normal National Day. I organized a dinner with suz and gang where we had steamboat at Shaw Tower. As we were about to finish eating, there were sounds of fireworks coming from outside. Excited, we went out and managed to catch glimpse of the fireworks over the parade happening at the Marina Floating Bay. A lot of passer-bys were standing at the zebra crossing outside the steamboat restaurant just to watch the fireworks. Kev called zz from overseas and I got to talk to him over the phone and wished him good luck for an upcoming audition. (Good Luck Kev! You can do it!) After settling the bill, we went over to TCC for coffee and then to the new Minds Café at Purvis Street. It was really noisy there and for first-timers like Ljun, he found it difficult to be heard. We stayed for a few hours. It was really fun playing those exciting games especially with suz around. We played this animal sound game where we have to call out the other party’s animal sound where two of the same cards appear on the table. To win the game, you must get rid of your stack of cards first. It was hilarious as we thought of difficult animal sounds to make and trying to remember each other’s animals. And we also played this “Ugly” card game where we got our hands red from slapping on the table and a vampire memory game. Maybe I should organize the next gathering there.

Yesterday was suppose to be my usual “nua”(slacking) Sunday but there was convocation rehearsal in school in the evening and I had to drag myself there. Both ms and I actually contemplated not to turn up..haha! I was quite tired as I got home very late the night before and hit the gym in the morning. During the midst of rehearsal, ms told me she felt like she didn’t achieve much in her first year. I told her its only her freshman year and its ok to figure things out first to have a better idea and then decide what challenges to embark. Actually, I also have the same thought. I don’t seem to have achieved much for the past few years, especially in my career. Besides being active in band during school, I don’t have other credentials to boast in my resume. So for the next step that I am going to take, I will really pull up my socks and work hard.

Lately I started having thoughts of spending the rest of my life alone. I mean not being able to meet anyone and settle down. Living the single life. Growing old alone….kind of scary isn’t it? I mean I will really be alone when my parents are no longer around and I’m sure my brother will get married and start his own family. I remember commenting to my girlfriends that I might probably be their children’s godmother since I might not meet the right person anyway. I wonder which is scarier: Growing old alone or dying alone?

I am finally leaving this hellhole. Yup, I have handed in my resignation.

12 Aug 2008 12:37am

What is Love?

2008-08-03T15:16:00.003+08:00

So what is love?

A friend asked me that question lately. She was having problems with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend couldn't spend much time with her due to his work commitments and even sms and calls to my gf is a challenge to him. She has a problem with that but the guy don't think there is a problem. I advised my girlfriend that if she loves him, she needs to sort this out and stand by his boyfriend. And she asked me back, "What is Love?"

I couldn't answer that question immediately and was dumbfounded for a moment. I have difficulties evaluating the meaning of love. Does liking someone necessarily lead to love? Recently, I got to know this guy. We met up a few times and although the time I knew him was short, I really like him. He said to me that he like me too but he doesn't seem to find out stuff about me or try to get to know me better. I wanted to know him better but found it hard to do so as he doesn't open up to me whenever I talk to him. I started to wonder if he has some secrets that he didn't want me to know or its his character that he does not open up easily to people. That day, I told him that I really like him and he matters a lot to me. He seemed pleased to know that but did not reveal how he felt about me exactly. I was a bit upset and then realised that maybe he is not that into me. A friend once told me never let a guy know that you are interested in him or else his ego will get bigger and feel pretty smug about it. I guess it was a mistake to tell him. He must be feeling damn good to know some girl likes him. There is no point in liking someone who is not keen in knowing you better and only wants to have fun with you. Maybe he was just patronizing me? Hmm......I know its wierd to like someone in such a short period of time but what attracts two person to each other is the chemistry. Maybe what we had was that instant chemistry and nothing more.....it really takes two hands to clap. Only time will tell whether things will take a different turn between us.

A major turn of events .....coming soon....

3 Aug 2008 3:50pm

Cute long-awaited visit

2008-07-27T19:01:00.006+08:00

I went for my first dental visit in ten years....sounds terrible right? I know but its because I have a phobia of going to the dentist since young. When I was in primay school, I had a bad experience with the dental nurse who is always so fierce and unfriendly and the process was painful, with all that drilling and scraping....and bleeding...:( my last visit was in secondary 4.

Well anyway, I made an appointment and turned up for the check up cum cleaning service on thursday. Heard a faint drilling sound and was feeling a bit nervous while waiting for my turn. Prior to that day, the clinic even sent an sms to remind me of my appointment and to call them to confirm it. I forgot to call them the night before and the clinic called to confirm the appointment with me. hmm...quite efficient service.....And so I waited for my turn and then a door was opened in front of me and a lady called my name. Went into the room and was greeted by my dentist. He sounded friendly and looked cute too....hehe..although he was wearing a face mask and I could only see half his face. The cleaning process was uncomfortable as it was painful at some parts but the cute dentist and his nurse were friendly and assuring so I went through the whole process unharmed. haha.......the treatment cost me $115 becaue I had to take an additional flouride treatment as I have deep valleys of stains on my molars and the dentist reccommended I take it to prevent decay. Oh...I obliged whatever he said....:)

Yesterday I met CH for a movie. We watched The X-Files but it wasn't that mysterious or supernatural enough. I would highly recommend that you wait for the DVD release. Met joy and K at the National Museum of Singapore where the Night Festival was going on. The museum was opened to the public for free and so I went in to meet them and we went around viewing the exhibits. It was fun catching up with the two of them as we have not seen each other for at least a year. It was really crowded inside the museum and everyone was attracted to this giant-sized renaissance statue of a nude man who was in pink floral prints. We took funny shots with him such as posing a kissing shot with the statue (His name was David) but the effect was not realistic enough :p.

I think I have band fatigue...need a short break from it. Still having that aimless and lost feeling.....

27 Jul 2008 7:26pm

Its what you do that defines you

2008-07-20T18:35:00.005+08:00

The band organised a dinner and dance on tuesday at the penthouse to celebrate our victory at the competition. I was late and when I stepped into room, the recording of el camino real was being played. Kind of awkward as everyone was listening intently to it. I quickly sat down next to pao and was in time to listen to the slow movement. I thought to myself "this is good". After that, pao told us the incident of this group of people who was sitting behind him at vch when we were on stage to perform and they whispered "F**k" after we played our tuning chord. They were amazed that we sounded like an organ. Pao went on to say that the entire stage was vibrating with our beat during the John Williams March. He felt our impact. The evening went on with eating and talking, random photo-takings, video presentations. Then my conductor appeared with the wines. They played the two recordings again and I was proud that we sounded like that. It wasn't flawless but to have achieved what we had was a milestone in our 5 year history. yx said we should let vic and the others hear this. I agree. When the music started, I sat down with yx and pao instead of joining the others for dance. I feel ancient to join in the fun with them. Instead we chatted at the table.

I went on MC the next day. Somehow I must have ate something wrong that made me vomitted 3 times that day and I had body aches all over, especially my back. I couldn't eat anything at all until the evening where I took a light porridge.

So I went back to work on thurday and was told by my colleagues the previous day's happenings. Apparently my boss felt that I don't have much to do at work. I was really upset when I heard this so I wrote an email to my boss stating the entire list of tasks that are under my charge. And she replied back, giving an answer to every item that I listed to make it seem like every task that I am doing is trivial and easy. She obviously do not understand what is going on in my daily work. She doesn't see what I am doing for her at all. Oh well, I try to take things in my stride now. I won't stay in this hellhole for long.

There was a visit by a friend who have been away for a long time on Friday's rehearsal. I was so glad to see him. Ken told me he missed playing while he was recovering from a fever at the hospital. Welcome back!

Caught The Dark Knight with suz, YA and sw at Tampines Mall. The movie is good, especially Heath Ledger. It was just as depicted in the news. His performance as The Joker was excellent. Just as good as Jack Nicholson's or probably even better. But its sad that Heath is gone. We had dinner at Swensen after the movie. I ordered a Cheesy Steak Sandwich (If I remembered the name correctly) and the beef was not tender enough. A bit too chewy. The service wasn't efficient as the service staff did not bring us the basket of cutlery after we ordered. When the appetizer was served, we had no utensils and had to remind the waiter to bring it to us. But I guess they might be shorthanded that day.Did a bit of shopping with yh after suz and the others left for church. Tampines Central is like a mini Orchard Road during weekends. It was so crowded!

That night when Ken came for practice, he mentioned about learning another instrument so I suggested the oboe as he has a related skill in bassoon. Then I started thinking if I should learn something else or move on to a new activity. What would I be doing if I am not playing in band?

Its not what is beneath...its what you do that defines you....
20 July 2008 8:16pm

Gold!!!!!

2008-07-14T22:21:00.004+08:00

That moment was surreal......

I have never been in a top band before.....although I have been in bands where we were awarded gold at competitions but not at the top of the division or category.....probably except for my poly band where we were the honour gold band at the sydney music festival back then.

We had a rehearsal last monday at victoria concert hall to hear how we sounded there as that was the competition venue. Jo came to hear us and sms ms the parts where we were not good from where he was seating. He commented that my solo was not projecting out and sounded a bit soft. That got me worried. Even my conductor said so. We had to be very clear in our articulations as it sounded muffled at the audience seats. It bothered me for the next few days.....I kept thinking about it...

At thursday's rehearsal, el camino real was getting there....the sound was there and John Williams March was perhaps the best that we ever played so far for that rehearsal. My conductor played the recording of the rehearsal at victoria concert hall on monday and we went through sections that he felt we should take note of. There were parts that we did very well and parts that are not quite there which we needed to work on it by sunday.I was stress out with my parts. I still couldn't get it out. My friends said it sounded timid...sigh.....during supper that night, I asked yx if he could helped me with my solo on sat but he said he wasn't free. I kind of guess the reason why he said no was that he felt I can do it on my own, just that I wasn't mentally strong enough to push myself or maybe he felt that he shouldn't need to bother too much with the competition on how others are playing. I kept thinking about those five bars till the last rehearsal on saturday. And then I got an unexpected sms from yx that he can do a quick run through with me before rehearsal. That meant so much to me and I really appreciated his gesture. So on saturday, I went down a bit early to practice and yx listened to my warm-ups and went through on how I should play, breathe deeper and feel my lips vibration. During full band practice, my sound was so much better. Thank you yx! We ended practice a bit late and by the time I went to bed, it was 1am plus. So tired.......

When I woke up the next morning, I saw sy's sms that she and mel will be sharing cab to school as they are getting mineral water for everyone. So I hopped along with them. We went through an extensive warm-up session and the whole time I just kept thinking about breathing deep and feeling my lips work. I tried to keep myself relaxed. By 1230pm, everyone got changed and tuned. Took the coach to vch and waited quite a while for our turn to tune up. While waiting, everyone had some fun by taking photos with each other. Aly was our photographer for the day. I tried to keep cool until when we lined up at backstage that I know that its either make it or break it. John Williams March was a bit unstable and stiff but the olympic fanfare section at the end sounded inspirational and I felt it. I thought we played El Camino Real really well although I was feeling nervous. My solo got went well until when I was going to pitch the high F that I felt it wasn't coming so I quickly pushed harder and reached the note. I felt I did a reasonable job compared to all the previous rehearsals. When we ended, the audience cheered really loud. The band rose and I looked up to where the judges were seating. They were smiling, nodding their heads and clapping and that sight gave me a hope. Gs shaked my hand after we got down from the stage. Ms gave me an assuring smile. I felt so relieved. We gathered downstairs and my conductor said the march was only ok but el camino real was a heartwarming one. There were positive comments from our friends. When I got on the bus, S spen came up and congratulated me, saying he was so afriad that I would screw up when he was listening to my solo. What a thing to say!

We kept our instruments in school and took more photos before heading back to vch. I was really tired as we took our seats in the hall to listen to the second half of the competition. Guess I didn't get enough rest for the past few weeks and not enough water for the day. I was damn sleepy and a bit dehydrated. It was only when a rather good band came on that I started to feel awake. Then the results came ".....with a score of 87.15, gold with honours" All of us were so happy when we heard the score. I was expecting another band to have a better score than us but as the emcee went on annoucing the scores of the other bands in the open division competition for that afternoon, we were still holding the highest score. I held hands with chyl and ms and couldn't believe the possibility of what was going to happen. The emcee paused for a moment before she announced the score of the last band and the anticipation was so high that I couldn't hold it anymore. All of us stood up and screamed and cheered and shouted and hugged each other when we heard the last band had a lower score. We are number 1. We won the open division. We were only expecting a gold and maybe a spot in the top 3 but never in the top spot. After all the hard work, we do deserve it although I wondered why some other bands did not get a higher score. I just couldn't believe it!

shed tears of joy......it has not sunk in yet....happy birthday mel!

14 July 2008

How am I perceived

2008-07-06T21:27:00.004+08:00

Friday's rehearsal sucked for me. Not sure if that day's event affected my mood or that I didn't get to have dinner before practice and was playing on an empty stomach or that I have been too tired but I sounded bad for my solo. I'm worried for the competition. After practice, I went outside the hall and played in the open area to project out my sound. Sounded better compared to rehearsal. Tomorrow's rehearsal will be at Victoria Concert Hall. Only chance to achieve that sound and push hard. Sigh..... I was supposed to meet up my poly band gang that night but it was late after we left school and finished eating supper. The bus services had ended so I couldn't make my way to holland village. Went back with sy instead. I miss my poly band gang......the hangout sessions that we often had. I wonder how is everyone doing.

A friend of mine told me that I give her a negative vibe. She did not mean that I am a terrible friend or a bad person but my outlook on life and career seems to carry a negative feel. I was relating to her the difficulties I encountered at work and my opinion on my career. She could find a question to counteract everything single problem or reason that I brought up about my work issues and why I wanted a marketing career. I wanted to know whether it is wrong to seek a job that you are truly passionate about and want to give your full commitment. Its been two years since I came to the working world after graduating from university. I thought it is a normal process that you are still trying to figure out what you want to do in a lifelong career. Like what a manager previously told me, it has not been that long since I graduated. If I have decided on a career that I can see myself in for my entire working life, stick to it and you will find success. Another thing that my friend told me was that I must always speak from my heart whenever others question me on my career choice. Because people can easily sense your insincerity or uncertainty about yourself. They can tell whether you are speaking from your heart or just displaying good PR skills when talking to anyone. Sigh...am I really negative or insincere? I have never thought myself to be such a person and I have never wanted to be like this. This is not me but why do people think I am such?

So who am I?
6 July 2008 9:58pm

Hmmm.....

2008-07-02T00:22:00.003+08:00

I just need him to listen, that's all....and not always insisting that he is right and he is not being defensive if he appeared to be. That is the problem with him. He thinks nothing is wrong with his attitude and it is affecting me and the section. He always uses the I-am-better-than-you tone whenever he points out a mistake to me. Sometimes, your teammate will realise the mistake and figure out how to recover from it without the others telling him or her. But he doesn't. He jumps at every opportunity whenever any of us make a mistake and doesn't wait and see if the situation got better. He thinks he is right and seems to do it to make himself seem superior than us. Although he is better at tempo and rhythmn, it doesn't mean he is a good player. I must admit he has improved a lot but he also need to accept other people's advice. If he doesn't, he might end up being overconfident and fall hard.

Exasperated.......

2 July 2008 12:45am

In doubt......

2008-06-29T21:51:00.008+08:00

Band practice on friday didn't end that well. My conductor lost his temper at one of our sections for not practising their parts for the coming competition. He kept harping on the issue of commitment. Why is it that people could not keep their word when they have promised to take part in the competition and not work towards it? If they can't commit themselves to come for practices, then they should not have agreed to play in the first place. He felt that that a lot of people nowadays seem to lack the level of commitment when they have made a promise to do something. In all my years of playing in a concert band when I was a student and now as a full-time employee in the working world, I would say its all about choices. It is whether you choose to put in the time and effort. You choose what you are passionate about based on your interest. You choose your priorities, the things that are important to you.

My conductor mentioned before that the young generation of today aspires to be everything. They want to try everything and do everything to succeed in life. Maybe that is why we choose band, work and other things at the same time thinking we can balance them all but in the end, we failed. I guess my conductor failed to understand that sometimes it is not just about a lack of commitment. There are many factors that cause our failure to achieve results on tasks or things that we want to do or promised to deliver. It can be stress from work, lack of motivation, lack of resources or uncertainties on how to perform. I think the section just lacked the motivation to perform and not because they don't have the commitment.

Studies and work are of top priority to us because we depend on them for a living. As many of us are working and serving internships now, we have less time for practice. And when you compare the level of importance, it is definitely work. However, if there is motivation then everyone will be pushed and encouraged to put in some time for practice. To me, playing in the band is my interest and it is the interest that is motivating me to perform but realistically speaking, I have to put my career at the top of my list as I cannot survive without it. If the time comes and I have to choose, then it is with a heavy heart that I have to leave the band.

Went to Ikea yesterday to get a new table for my computer at just $50! haha....Ljun went with me. The store was filled with the weekend crowd but I got to taste those delicious swedish meatballs for dinners. : ) It is during such weekend shopping that you see the ugly side of singaporeans on their inconsiderate behaviours. Like when Ljun and I were waiting in the taxi queue, the family in front of us just left their empty trolley in the queue when they got on the cab and another couple in front of us was kind in pushing the trolley to one side and passed it to an Ikea staff who was there to collect empty trolleys. Also, that inconsiderate family's baby toddler was roaming around, came to our trolley and grabbed my stuff. The mum quickly put it back but didn't say a word of apology. So terrible! I am not against anyone but I wonder why I always see this behaviour from this particular group of people. And this just makes me dislike them and I never wanted to dislike them. Another pet peeves that pisses me off is why some parents don't apologised for their young children's rowdy or rude bahaviour in public. Do they think that just because they are children, their inappropriate behaviour can be easily dismissed? Seriously, some people are not good parents and should not be parents.

We managed to catch a movie before heading to Ikea. Wanted was so-so to me but the visual effects and action scenes are great! The movie gave a reflection point that we have no right to decide who lives and who dies in our world just by going on fate. If that is the case, do we have a right to sentence criminals to death penalty for the grave crimes that they commit?

A major decision ahead to decide.......

29 June 2008 10:56pm

The heat is on..

2008-06-22T20:27:00.007+08:00

I'm starting to feel the heat...
I need to get my act together in 3 weeks' time. My conductor said I know my notes well but I need to perform my solo rather than just play it. My friend said I sounded good and just need to have vibratio in the high notes of that 4-bar phrase. I wonder if I can get it in three weeks time. After practice ended, I was talking to ms and my conductor walked over, telling me to "sing" for my solo. stress.....: (

My colleague invited me to her friends' BBQ gathering yesterday. It was at a condominium so my colleague and I had a swim when we got there. (And we went for another dip after eating too full...haha).Her friends are all in their late thirties, married with children. They are all friendly people and I think its great they have such gatherings to catch up and even brought their kids along. Although my colleague kept me company, I somewhat felt a bit wierd as I am of a slightly different group from them. I am single, not married and definitely no kids. As some of their conversations revolved around their children, I could only listen. And they converse mostly in hokkien. I can't speak the dialect that fluent and only understand a fair bit of it but I managed to catch what they were saying. It was funny seeing how they joke with each other, especially when one of my colleague's friend got drunk. On the whole, it was an enjoyable evening.

I wonder what the new week will bring...I hope its good

22 June 2008 8:54pm

Unfruitful.....so far....

2008-06-20T00:30:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I should bother so much. We had sectional practice today. Being three weeks away from competition, our progress as a section is little. After Jos left, I spoke to my section mates on what I felt about our preparation for the competition. Individual tone is not good, some tend to rush or slow down the tempo, techniques are not strong. Most importantly, the humbleness and the "I-can-do-it" mentality is not present in my section mates. Some are ignorant of their own mistakes, some lack the confidence. As an alumni, I wonder why am I worrying so much for the band since I have already graduated long ago and these maters are not in my hands to control. Why do I seem to stress over the competition more than the current students in the band? Sigh....I'm praying hard things will turn better in the coming weeks or else we will fail. Should I even bother to practice hard for this since the others don't seem to care?

Situation at the office frustrates me these few days.... :(

20 June 2008 12:52am

Bad Friday Morning

2008-06-15T18:35:00.007+08:00

Friday the 13th.......yes, the day didn't start off that well.
My boss has to attend a medical and dental appointment and instructed me to attend the meeting that morning. It went ok until my GM asked me about this particular material which he wanted to be out on 1 June and we were already late. The last I recalled was that the layout was already done except for two pictures that needed to be replaced and its ready to go once the other relevant dept confirms the information. I told my GM I will check and get back to him. When the meeting ended, my colleague told me the revised layout was circulated on Wed (I was on MC that day so I wasn't around). I called my other colleague where the material is sent to and learnt that it is still with them! No wonder my GM didn't see it! And that nasty director said nothing at all when my GM asked at the meeting as the material is circulated to him first for approval. Damn bad....
My boss came back in the afternoon and my GM had a short meeting with her. Apparently he is not happy that my dept did not give support for a promotion that was organised by that nasty director's dept. There wasn't very much marketing support that we can do simply because the promotion was confirmed very late...on Tuesday! Can you believe having a promotion on Friday and details with the external partner was only confirmed three days before? We managed to provide the internal collaterals (posters and stuff..) despite the rush. Anyway, my dept will now work as fast as we can to avoid such situations but this will only happen if they can confirm details early.

Band practice that night started with brass sectional on el camino real and then we had full band rehearsal. Yx took us and after the practice ended, he commented that we still don't know the piece and this is crucial for the competition. A bit demoralising...I stayed back to practice my part and yx sat beside me. Stress.... I told him how I tried the methods he taught me and hm during the preparation for the last competition and it was so difficult and tiring. We laughed it off as I realised I need intensive practice for my solo. He gave me a few pointers which I found it helpful. One month to go till competition.....

I met up with my sec sch girlfriends to celebrate shir's birthday. Had dinner at cineleisure and then bowling. It was a simple celebration. We started talking about birthday wishes and one of my girlfriends said she hopes to settle down with her boyfriend soon. She brought up the topic to her boyfriend but her boyfriend didn't seem to make any indication that he wants to marry her although he also wants to settle down. She feels it sounded bad this way that she is the one who brought up the "settle down" topic first. I agree with her 'cos it is not a good idea for the girl to make the first move when it comes to the marrying question. I started to think about myself. I mean will I ever get to settle down with my life partner? My previous relationship was a failure and I thought I found the one. And after all these months. I think I have become numb? Its like I don't know if I should keep on trying or just give up trying to be happy? Maybe happiness will come to me when I stop searching for it? I guess the process of finding love has wore me out. Should I stop trying and enjoy my singlehood first? My married colleagues advised me so.

We left the bowling alley quite late. Actually I didn't play as I was tired but I enjoyed watching my girls play.

Another birthday celebration...another year goes by.....

15 June 2008 7:34pm

A Walking Agony

2008-06-08T18:06:00.007+08:00

My knees are in excruciating pain now. I went for Passion Run this morning at East Coast, running the 10km with my friends. Woke up really early and met pat at ang mo kio with yh for a ride. It started out ok but the pain came just after 3km and I bear the pain till almost the end , at the 9km mark and I walked as it was unbearable....I wonder if I can walk tomorrow....

Friday's practice was not bad as Tim took us for el camino real and a few other pieces. Josh didn't have to do a lot of conducting that night. There was this irritating sound coming from my instrument whenever I hit the high notes. Spent some time after practice to clean it but the metallic sound is still there....arrgh....

Watched Sex and the City with shA after practice. It was quite nice and several parts hit a note with me. Like how Big never wrote any love letters to carrie before. When he was trying to reach her at the end, he emailed her love letters from a book (Love Letters from Great Men) and in the end when he wrote one, its was just a sentence. Reminded me of the only love letter I got from an ex who is never good at writing love letters and is not the sort to send one. But during the period when I was away on a trip, he missed me and emailed me a love letter. It was sweet and sincere. This is one of those happy memories that people will keep in their heart and smile when they thought of it, even if the person is not around anymore. The friendship and support between carrie, charlotte, miranda and samantha are like what I have from from my friends who got me to where I am today and I'm grateful for it. Relationships are difficult, no matter how much you love each other. But I'm not discouraged. I am looking forward : )

My boss has not been helpful these days. She doesn't seem to do much work at all since she pushes everything to us. On Friday, I sent out an email to my vendor on the editing required for a newsletter. When she saw the email, she came out and start talking on some additional information that she wants in the newsletter which I did not receive from the relevant dept. My boss has this bad habit of telling us verbally the things she wants without much details or with no clear direction and then expects us to understand it and do it and feels that she has fufilled her responsibility of informing us. I really hate it. I was checking furiously through my inbox clearing the tons of emails that she sent as she stood there blabbering about the things she wants in the newsletter. Feeling extremely fed-up, I just shot back at her without looking up that I need these information in written form as I won't be able to remember everything she said. Think she sensed that I was irritated with her and told me to refer to the past press releases. She always tell us to refer to last year's archive and "do as per last year or previously". One of her favourite phrases....

Another long week ahead....I need a break..
8 June 2008 7:43pm

Inspired?

2008-06-03T23:59:00.005+08:00

Tim Reynish came to conduct us today or supposedly to conduct us. Instead it was josh who was conducting us and he stood beside him giving pointers and advice to the band on how we should play. At first I was wondering why he didn't want to conduct us and thought he was being snobbish but later I heard that this is his style. Yx said he is encouraging but I am wondering if he was patronizing? He kept saying we played well but I felt otherwise. Anyway, it was a different experience.......hope friday's practice will be better. After all he is a famous conductor. I was so nervous while playing el camino real, not sure if its due to the presence of a famous conductor or that yx was sitting behind me....stress " ' ,

Another sucky day at work and another photoshoot today....which went overtime.....arrghh...sometimes it is so frustrating to work in this place that I really give up trying...

Took the train home with ph. I was glad she came today and will be playing with us for the competition. Yeah....someone from my batch...haha...and der and hopefully yx......so nice if the four of us are playing together :)

I must not crack under pressure...

4 June 2008 12:24pm

Am I too involved?

2008-06-01T18:58:00.007+08:00

Its been a pretty standard week. Work and rehearsals on tueday and friday. Went running on monday and wednesday. Had to work late on thurday and the week just went by like that....

I took the morning off on friday and came back slightly past noon time. The day before, my boss told me to help j with all her circulations when I come back. Which means the entire dept has to to stop work and help j to photocopy the publicity clippings and file the clippings into another file before circulating to all the depts. I couldn't do my work. Its her fault for not looking through the files earlier and caused the long delay. Yet she told us the circulation is long overdue and we must quickly send it out. She just doesn't realise her fault for not approving the files earlier (since Oct last year...the publicity files were ready on time every month for her to check and approve but she kept procrastinating and gave excuses that she is very busy). Oh well, that's the way she is, always in denial and never sees her own flaws.

I was late for practice as I got held up in the office (my boss called me back just as I stepped out of the office to program some things on the computer for a recording. She just forwarded an email to us, expecting us to remember the date and time to record the program but with the hundreds of emails she sends us, I feel that its only right that she help to remind us about it and not take it for granted that we will do it. There are too many things to do for her. sigh....No leadership and emphasis on teamwork from her).

Josh took full band practice today as my conductor went overseas. Tim Reynish, a well-known conductor, will be coming next week to conduct us for two rehearsals! So looking forward to it. So Josh went through John Williams march and told us to play as accurately as possible as Tim doesn't work on technical stuff. During practice, MS asked whether I recorded all original music scores that the band bought when I was managing the library during my exco. I did that and was surprised to learn that they have not been updating the file ever since I handed over the library. When it got to MS, it was already a mess. I was disappointed that the previous excos didn't manage the library properly. Sigh...my hard work went down the drain....Anway, I told MS if she needed help with the library, I will help her. Also reminded ed the importance of managing the library.

After practice, we went for tau huay and I thought we will be heading home after that. But the rest wanted to do something and we ended up at Cathay. I was contemplating whether to go home (actually, the last train already left..) as I was tired. Before I knew it, they already bought tickets for Indiana Jones. The movie is not bad but doesn't seem to have any meaning to it. The main theme sounded great and we wish we will sound like that for the competition....haha..... I was yawning the whole time during the movie but I managed to stay awake.

Yesterday was another movie day with yh, 3sa and yx. We watched Prince Caspian and I like it!The ending was sad as the fpur Pevensie children left Narnia, not knowing when they will return and for some of them, not returning at all. The part where Peter lead the Narnians to attack Miraz's castle showed us the importance of not being selfish. Being high king, he feels that it is his duty to protect the Narnians and he is the only one who should do it and he did it for himself only, without a thought for everyone. He got big-headed. In the end, they lost the fight and many of their fellow people's lives. Sometimes when we are in a favourable position, it gets into our head and we lose sight of what is really in front of us and what are the things that we should do. We should never do it just for ourselves but for everyone and for the team. Never look good just for yourself.

yh and I met ed after the movie to collect out number tags and time chip for next week's Passion Run. We bumped into kel and ron at Novena Square and catched up with them for a while. Been a long time since I saw kel. AI is still going on but member strength is falling. Lots of fun memories when I played with them last time but many of us have left. I only have time for symphonia now. A few of them like Kel are still holding up the band. We wanted to have dinner but only ate a bit. yh, ed and I talked about symphonia (think we bored yh.....sorry gal!). Think ed is getting stress over sym. Hope things will work for you and your exco. Its never easy to manage a band. Then I met B after that for a drink and we chatted till coffee bean closed. Its fun to talk to him. He is someone who enjoys first and deal with the consequences later. Can learn a few life lessons from this guy...haha..: )

Leave you a song "The Call" by Regina Spektor, very meaningful....(ost: The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian)

1 June 2008 8:54pm

Time can change everything?

2008-05-26T21:17:00.007+08:00

My friend der had free tickets to Harlem Yu's concert on saturday and invited us to attend. Jy, zz, xh and myself went. The concert was entertaining although I felt that something was lacking. Harlem included some humour and fun into the concert with audience participation and making fun of his band mates. Felt a bit like Super Sunday show.

I have known this group of poly band friends for a long time and I often miss the days we had back in poly. The time we spent together during practices bonded us. There was once we practiced outside foodcourt 3 and my conductor, tt, took us for symphonic overture. Our ending part drew the attention of some passer-bys and they actually stopped in their path to listen to us and applauded our rousing end. I love it when people like the sound that my band have practiced hard for. My clicks was a large group and we always head to clementi central after band practice to have supper and to chat and gossip at the coffee shop next to the bus interchange. I miss the outings we had like supper at geylang (Teowchew Muay and Tau Huay...the empty bowls of porridge will be stacked high on the table), movie gatherings, concerts, performances, christmas and CNY gatherings, band camps, overseas band trips (how I miss Sydney!) and the endless banter of jokes and conversations.....sigh...but as time goes by, everybody just drift apart as each of us got busy and involved in other things. Some of them went overseas to study and the rest of us are just busy with work and other stuff. Among us, I am of the few who is still playing. Lately I feel that my group has fewer meet ups with each other and we talk less. Our group has dwindled over the years but this is not unexpected. I wonder if we are still as close as before but I guess we probably know each other well enough that we don't need much updating or chats to know what is going on in each others' lives. At the very least, I still care about them and appreciate the little things that we do for each other. I do hope I can visit teow and wl in melbourne with jy and zz next month..haha....

It was peaceful today...boss was on leave...

26 May 2008 9:57am

Sounding better

2008-05-22T20:25:00.004+08:00

Sectional practice on tuesday was not bad. Jos worked on techniques and foundations with us instead of taking us through the pieces. Learnt double tonguing and slurs and he gave us some exercises to keep and practice. After the session, I tried playing other things and for once after a long while, I sounded better than before and have hopes of reaching the peak that I had two years ago for the competition : )

My boss went missing for the whole afternoon today. She informed me that she was attending a meeting outside at 11am with my GM. My GM came back just after lunch but my boss was MIA and only came back at 4:30pm! No word from her as to where she was. She got anxious when she saw the long list of unread emails on her PC and quickly asked me to help her reply some requests and other tasks that she wanted me to do. There was actually a rather important email about an edm sent to her which my colleague and I wasn't copied in and it needed her approval before it could be sent out . Till knock-off time, I still hear nothing about that email from her until my colleague called and said it was quite urgent. If she was back earlier, this wouldn't have happened and we could have replied that urgent email and get the matter settled. I was so fed up with her that I just left office on time. I think its unfair if I have to stay back and clear up the backlog that she created just because she was skiving off work somewhere. She needs to be more responsible. All these could have been done in the afternoon if she forwarded me the email but she wasn't in! I just don't want to be bothered with all these nonsense from a boss who don't have any leadership skills at all! Instead of staying late, I went for a run just now. Cannot take it anymore! sigh...... tomorrow morning will be hell....

I just don't care....

22 May 2008 8:52pm

Uneventful Weekend

2008-05-19T15:51:00.008+08:00

It was the start of a long weekend...but not before a crappy day at work again on friday....

My office engaged a professional photographer on Friday to shoot some interior shots for use in our branding campaign. Its a full-day shoot and I was supposed to meet the photographer at 9am to start the shoot. As expected, my boss called at 9am and asked me to attend the morning meeting on her behalf. : S I was irritated and told her I have to meet the photographer. And then she said my colleague, Ag can meet the photographer but she had to attend to another matter that morning as well and someone has to be at the office. If I attend the meeting, Ag goes to attend her matter and J stays in the office, who will meet the photographer? My boss said its ok that I attend the meeting since its only 15 mins and Ag will meet the photographer. J had to settle the matter for Ag so there was no one in the office. And my boss should not be late that morning, knowing there is a photoshoot that day and should have come on time but created inconvenience for everyone. When the photoshoot was going on, she didn't bother to be on site to approve the shots and my other colleague had to run up and down to get approval from her director as her sales & marketing department requested to have the professional shots. My S&M director asked why my boss is not working, seeing that she is not helping to approve the shots at all. I think she will give my boss a good scolding pretty soon. She is the only one in the whole office who understands that my department do not have any directions at all due to our lazy boss. sigh.....Besides taking turns attending to the photoshoot, my boss wanted me to help J with her publicity and I couldn't do my work at all! Its my boss's fault that the publicity circulation was late....becaaue she only checked the files from Oct 07 to Apr 08 till now. I can't believe it has been so backdated......

After band practice on friday, sy, eil, ms and I went to mel's place to play mahjong. While we ate supper at his place, we watched the 2nd half of our concert dvd recording. Mel was telling us how he forgot to take his el camino real score after the lidss performance and actually slipped backstage to find the score when the slow movement of el camino real was playing. And so we saw him in the recording, walking nonchalantly to the backstage and reappeared a while later, holding the file in his hand and trying to hide it as he walked back to his snare drum. Haha.....I didn't know this was happening. Heard my solo and felt it was not as good as I thought it was. Must be better for the competition...We played only one round of mahjong and finished at 4am! My luck wasn't good that night and I lost a bit. Mel actually won money from us girls this time...

eil mentioned this is her last friday in singapore as she is leaving for an internship overseas soon which she only just received the offer and was not mentally prepared. Good luck eil! I hope everything goes well for you!

I reached home at about 4:30am...really tired and slept for a few hours only. I woke up early to meet xl for a swim and so I was stoning as I made my way to meet her. I didn't swim very much as the pool was a bit crowded with the morning kids swimming lesson . Think I have not swim for too long and was feeling a bit scared. I'm not a good swimmer so I kept to the side. Chatted a lot with xl as we baked in the sun. We saw this hunk with six-pack abs conducting life-saving session with a group of guys and his actions were pretty show-offish. He looked a bit like an ex of mine from my poly...reminded me of someone...

During the wee hours of sat night, I was woken up by my ringing phone. It was a private number and I ignored it and it rang again. I answered it, half asleep, and it was my friend who got really upset after a phone call with his ex as the girl has moved on with another guy. I was thinking whether it is his fault because he chose to break up with his ex even though he still loves her. Also, its been a long time since they broke up....Anway, I will talk to him on another day as he was in Malaysia when he called....

Went to the gym as usual on sunday morning and then met Lj in the evening to watch Accuracy of Death. Takeshi Kaneshiro is so damn gorgeous! Its a nice movie to watch and funny as well. Giving a person one more chance to live can bring about unexpected changes which could lead to a fruitful life. Who knows that "suspending" the death of a young woman would lead Chiba (Takeshi) to judge her again when she became a 70 years old woman and she was ready to die at that point, having lived a full life. And I think Chiba was also glad that he finally got to see clear blue sky. I am waiting to see my clear blue sky as well.....:)

Lj and I had coffee after the movie and I told him about the late night call from my friend. He said guys actually take a longer time to get over relationships although they do not seem to feel much pain from the breakup. Whereas girls feel the pain at their greatest when the relationship is over but takes a shorter time to get over it. That was new to me and I wasn't so sure if this is true but I guess everyone takes a different amount of time to get over relationships. Some just recover faster than others.....

Music is Humanity's Greatest Invention....(as quoted by Chiba)
19 May 2008 5:32pm

Yummy Cakes...

2008-05-14T20:49:00.011+08:00

I was reminded of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I was watching Speed Racer on sat because I find it so colourful like the former. The storyline is alright but the visual effects were stunning. Sharp, rich in colours and the races were exciting! Rain makes a rather good debut in his first hollywood feature in English. But I didn't catch the movie because of him, more of for the effects. Caught the movie with CH and its been like 2 years since we last met up. He's into coral collection lately and also changed a new job a few months back. We promise to meet up again after he returnsrom a business trip. I envy that he gets to travel in his job.

I was so tired during band practice yesterday. By the time I reached school, I was like really sleepy and yawning throughout the warm-up session. Didn't get enough sleep the previous night. Luckily it wasn't full band with my conductor. Jo came to take us for sectional practice. I was still very frustrated with the john williams march, certain parts sounded terrible with all the mispitched notes.....sigh...hopefully friday's practice will be better.

My colleagues and I wanted to celebrate j's birthday yesterday with a lunch at NYDC but it went pretty quiet and unknown because we didn't get her a cake. The cakes at NYDC were too big for us to finish. Instead, ld ordered a lychee martini cake from Pine Garden(Blk 529 Ang Mo Kio Ave 19 #01-2369 Tel: 64576159 http://www.pgcake.com/) in Ang Mo Kio and arranged for uncle to collect for us today. We gathered in the boardroom, lit the candles and turned off the lights. Then ld called my boss to bring j in but she took quite a few minutes to bring her in and we were wondering why my boss took so long (but its not unusual anyway, she is late in everything). So my boss finally entered the room with j and we surprised her with a birthday song : ). The cake is heavenly : ) Tasted a lot of cakes today....feeling a bit sick now.

Happy 21st Birthday J!

tired from a run.....
14 May 2008 9.39pm

The Kissing Game

2008-05-10T14:08:00.010+08:00

My boss has finally confirmed my appointment....we will see how it goes for now...of course, the same old nonsense will continue.

kc and his wife (they just got ROM! Congrats!) are leaving for tokyo this sunday so we met on thursday to have a farewell dinner. yc was also there and its been ages since we last saw him. He lost contact with all of us ever since he came back from UK a few years back. Believe it or not, kc found him by googling his name on the search engine and found him on a junior college website where he is teaching now! It was so funny....... first time I heard finding a friend by doing a search on the internet. So all of us had a chat and we found that yc is still the same. He told us he didn't travel out that much during his few years in UK studying, preferring to stay in. So wasted as we feel that he could travel around UK or Europe since he was there. kc showed us photos that he and his wife took during their vacation early this year. His photography skill is not bad. kt commented that he never expected kc to be the first to get married among us. Actually at our age, its not uncommon to see our friends settling down. More singles nowadays are looking at a domestic life and had enough of a single's life. You can still have fun even after getting married. As we were leaving, we said our goodbyes and wished them all the best. He told us we can stay with them if we are going to tokyo. Haha...thanks!

Had a Mother's Day dinner with my family yesterday and then went for band practice. After the practice, my conductor gave us a pep talk. How he doesn't want us to repeat the mistake two years ago for the coming competition in July. I also need to practice my solo part in el camino real. Hope I can achieve what he wants by then. Stayed back for a while to practice my parts and then we went to Alps Cafe for drinks. As usual my "mummy" and "daddy" (sy and mel) tried not to make me drink too much but with den around, she helped to fill my glass. Haha........so we all got high and then we played this kissing game by rolling a dice in a shaker, guess the number and the person who guessed it correctly have to kiss the person who was shaking the dice. So everyone took turns and kiss each other on the forehead (I know this doesn't seem daring enough but we have to take care of those who are attached...hehe). tim, mel and jos also sang a few songs on the ktv and i was hearing them for the first time. not bad man..... This time round, "mummy" and "daddy" didn't have to worry about me as I wasn't drunk, just feeling high....

Trying to smoothen out that high F...

10 May 2008 2:59pm

Stubborn and limping...

2008-05-04T20:06:00.007+08:00

suz, YA, pat and I went for the training run (Passion Run) yesterday morning at East Coast. I woke up real early at 5am and met pat at AMK mrt station for a lift and picked up suz and YA at her block. Not many people turn up for the training. suz and I took the 8km route but I failed to finish the entire distance as my knees started to hurt halfway through and we walked the rest of the way. By the time we reached the starting point, my right knee was hurting like crazy. As we left for breakfast, I also felt another pain in my upper right calf. Think I have pulled a muscle. Arrggh....It was pretty bad when I got home as I was limping and bearing the pain.

Rested the whole afternoon and then made my way to town to meet my girlfriends to celebrate xl's birthday. Slowly limped my way to PS to buy her birthday cake and joined them at mind cafe for games.

Mind Cafe is a great place to hang out with all the board games available. However, its very noisy there with everyone shouting and talking loudly amidst the excitement of the game. I had difficulty hearing the staff explaining the rules of a particular game whenever we needed assistance as I was sitting at the far end of the table. I needed the others to explain the procedure to me again before I could understand how to play the game. I think for a large group like us, a round or square table would be better for everyone to listen to each other. Unfortunately, that outlet don't have a lot of such tables as the tables are mostly rectangular. We sang xl a birthday song with her cake and left about 11 plus. While she sent sh and kt home, sley, lic and I took ting's car to seletar dam. After xl came over, we stayed there for a while and chatted. I was sorry to hear that sley's cousin passed on recently. He was young like us and happened really suddenly. So she asked what would we do if we know we only have three days to live? We got interrupted after sley asked that question. I pondered for a while and could only tell myself to do whatever I can to make myself happy. But should it be at the expense of others? For example, getting a lower-paid job where you are happy but it means providing lesser for your family. Dilemma... We went on to talk about other things and realising its 4 May (an hour plus after midnight), we sang another birthday song for her at random turns. I hope xl's birthday wish will come true. I have the same birthday wish as hers and it has yet to come true.

Woke up this morning still feeling the pain in my right calf but it was not as painful as yesterday and feeling that I have not worked out enough for the week, I decided to go for bodycomabt anyway. But I took it easy during the session as I couldn't kick very hard or lift my right leg too high. It was still painful when I left the gym, thinking it has been a bad idea to come at all. Headed to City Hall to meet 3sa, yx and Ljun for lunch. Kind of a birthday lunch meetup for 3sa as her birthday was on 1 May. Happy belated birthday 3sa! We went to Shojuku, located at basement one of Raffles City Shopping Centre. Its marche, japanese-style. I had the curry katsu rice and it was yummy. The pork cutlet was crisp on the outside and tender on the inside. We didn't get to try everything. There are some things that are similar to marche like potato rossti with sausages, crepes and waffles with ice cream. But majority are Japanese dishes. Nice...will try again. :) After the meal, we went to yx's office as she needed to finish some work. I like the spaciousness of the work place and their pantry is fantastic. Reminds you of the interior decor of billy bomber restaurant with its retro-like red cushion seats and table, counter tops and bar stools. Really cool! I wish I have an office like that.....I didn't stay very long as my leg was hurting. Limped my way to the mrt station, accompanied by Ljun and 3sa.

New week and new decision?

4 May 2008 8:47pm

The Ironman

2008-05-01T11:57:00.007+08:00

Ironman is a great movie to watch! I went to catch it yesterday with alloi. But I was held up at the office (damn it!) so I missed the first 10 minutes of the show, I think. Beautiful red and gold armour, gripping actions scenes, fantastic gadget performances and its also funny, especially Stark's machine assistant that helps him at his lab. There were several comical moments in the movie. The coolest thing I like about Ironman is the glowing pacemaker embedded in his chest to keep his heart alive.

After the movie, alloi and I went to grab a bite. I was the first to finish my food as he talked a lot about his life setbacks, career and how he ended up in his current job. I admire his courage for going through so much. He seems to love his work now and was trying to get me to join him and try his company products. I was listening to him the whole night talking passionately about his job and why I should go into network marketing. I am still a skeptic when it comes to this particular profession. Though I appreciate his gesture, I don't really see myself in network marketing. I can still meet a lot of people in my current line of work. To be honest, I feel that his job is somewhat like sales. Although they need not literally sell the products as a salesperson and are only getting people to join the company, try the products, be a living testimony and refer the products to their friends, they are actually selling the idea that the business is a lucrative one and persuading people to join them. In a way, this is just like sales where you are promoting an idea/plan and not a product or service. You just need to be eloquent and its repetitive as you repeat the same idea to everyone. I prefer my line where we have to plan and implement activities, organise events, handle the media, encounter problems and troubleshoot the problems and evaluate your work. Its the experience and satisfaction that you gain at the end of the day that makes me want to continue my line of work. My salary may be little compared to someone in network marketing but I just want to be happy with what I like to do. I may not be able to provide as much as I want for my parents for now but I just want them to have a peaceful life at least. I am sure I will do better and give more to my family in time to come.

But alloi, I think you doing great!

My boss sent me another reminder yesterday to inform her of my decision on my confirmation. I told my HR about this and she also side with my boss's idea that the confirmation should come from both parties and not just on her. She told me I have to think through whether this job suits me or not. This is not helpful.....coming from the HR. However, I agree this is true but it is also unfair that I have to decide this on my own. My boss should also confirm my appointment base on my work performance and not solely on my acceptance of her working style. I mean everyone have different working styles and we bound to have clashes with each other's communication methods at work. Its whether you are willing to work on it and compromise. She is kind of implying that I have to leave if I don't accept her working style so is she trying to make me go out of job? This is unfair as I have been trying my best to perform and I feel that I have done a reasonable job with zero experience in this industry when I started. Anyway, we will know the answer tomorrow....

Enjoy your 五月天.....
1 May 2008 1:07pm

Searching..

2008-04-27T18:20:00.010+08:00

Band practice resumed on friday after the one-month exam break. Everyone looked relaxed and happy. I am so out-of-practice and absolutely neeed to get back to top form again. Spoke to ed about the possibility of missing three practices in june. It could be a concern if I am playing the solo which I guess it is. Ei and the others decided to go to her place for a mahjong session. Mel said I could take turns with him as they have eight players but I decided to go home instead. Also didn't meet up with jy and the others who were also in the area. Guess I was tired.....

There was a career fair going on at Suntec City this weekend and suz and YA went to check it out with me. There were a few companies that I was interested so I visited their booth to apply for the postitions that are relevant to me. Overall, I wouldn't say this is a great career fair as there were a lot of insurance compnaies, education groups offering foreign degree programs and government bodies like SAF, Navy and Air Force which attracted a lot of people to their booth. I think their selling point is the stable income. We went to this particular company where I spoke to a lady, expressing my interest to apply for a job. We spoke briefly and handed her my resume. As we left, a guy from the booth next door approached me, asking if I was interested in apply for their company, as he saw me applying for a position at the other booth. I looked at the booth title where he was and declined. Financial advising is definitely not my cup of tea. As we walked further, YA met a friend who is also with an insurance company and he got suz to try out a personality test which will determine whether an individual has the traits to work as a financial advisor. suz made a point that is true. If you have the personality traits of a financial advisor (eg, outgoing, friendly, full of drive....) it does not necessary mean you are suitable to work in this line. YA's friend went on to explain that this particular quiz is just a general one and there is a more in-depth analysis from another test to determine the suitability of the candidate. suz has to go down to his company on a separate day for a dinner to receive the result of her quiz as they need to churn out the results. Well, to me its just another gimmick to attract people to join this line. I'm sure suz has something else in mind for her career, not really a sales job in financial advising.

We left after walking a few rounds and saw that there was a health & beauty fair next door by Lianhe Wanbao. As we walked in, I saw my boss at the stage audience area and I immediately sulked. How "lucky" I was to see her there. I don't think she saw me as she was busy talking to someone and I pointed her to YA and suz, showing them how my terrible boss looks like. Suz then told me the story about her friend who suffered under a female boss and was very unhappy, just like me, and tendered her resignation before she got a new job as she really wanted to take a break. She couldn't take the backstabbing and nastiness of her boss and colleagues any longer and was already prepared to take the risk of not being able to find a job soon. I wonder if I will end up like suz's friend...

We went to catch a funny and lame movie, Harold and Kumar - Escape from Guantanamo Bay. The movie is hilarious and lame with all the crude and sexual jokes. I wonder do people really organize a bottomless party privately......hmmm......

After the movie, we went to a Why Pay More like store. Both suz and I bought a new pair of running shoes. As I have a budget contraint, I had to settle for a pair that is not aesthetically nice but it serves its function well and I am comfortable in it. : )

Today I read in the The Sunday Times about a comment from the editor on the undesirable traits of Singaporeans which are selfishness and fear of confrontations. They prefer to whine to their friends about their unpleasant encounters such as poor service from sales staff and people who talk loudly into their phones at the cinema while the movie is being shown. This article reminded me about my boss who is afraid of confrontations and prefers not to get involved in any trouble. I agree with the editor that we should act and not just complain when we are unhappy with certain matters. Lodge a formal complaint if you are displeased with the service at a store and tell that person off for speaking loudly into his phone during a movie. Like the editor said, if we bother to act on issues that we have issues with, then there will be less unhappiness and anger around us. So true.....Singaporeans should dare to intervene in matters when appropriate and not be an ostrich, hiding his head into the ground.

Looking forward to wednesday......

27 April 2008 7:39m

2008-04-23T22:02:00.005+08:00

Had another long talk with my boss yesterday. In the end, she told me she will only confirm my appointment if I can accept her working style! I was taken aback. She told me to think about it over the week and let her know next monday. My colleagues said she is too much. Confirmation should be base on my work performance and not whether I can accept her working style and communication preferences. She is kind of "threatening" me. In order for me to receive my confirmation, I have to accept her working style. If I can't accept her, she is implying that I have to leave, even though she did not literally say this but this is what she implies. This morning, as I left for work, I have wanted to tell her "yes, I will accept the way you are in order to have my confirmation processed". But after hearing my colleagues' advice, I decided not to. They are right that I should not give in to her demands. If I agree to her request, I will not be able to express my views/opinions that go against hers in future whenever there are problems at work. Sigh....I can only continue as an unconfirmed staff until she is willing to give me my confirmation letter without me telling her anything. I have never met a boss like her. She absolutely don't appreciate me at all.

Should I stay or should I go?
23 April 2008 10.22pm

Flaws....

2008-04-21T22:12:00.006+08:00

I had a long talk with my boss today...

We trashed everything out. I admit I was negative and rude to her on some occassions, including the incident where I flared up at her when we were rushing out the collateral. I apologized and was thinking whether I have been over-sensitive at times. Maybe I was and I was willing to learn from my mistakes and make everything work out. But if I could admit my flaws, I couldn't understand why throughout the entire trashing session, my boss refused to see her own flaws and admit it. The open communication that she claims is ever-existing in the dept is not convincing me. Both of us saw that we have different communication style and different approaches to work and solving problems. But still, she is in denial as to why I am so fustrated with her. She feels that I am the only one in the dept having communcation problems and issues with her but I beg to differ. We didn't really end the discussion with a conclusion as she had to rush for an appointment. But as I walked to the station, I was thinking to myself where have I gone wrong? One thing for sure, my boss is one of the major causes of the entire problem and I also have issues myself. I guess I wasn't trying hard enough. I should be more initiative and be daring enough to prove myself that I can do it. I want to work on my flaws. But this has to go two ways. If I am doing everything I can to make this dept work and my boss still chooses to be selfish and not being open to effective communication within the dept, things will still be as bad as ever.

I'm so tired.....

21 April 2008 10:31pm

Reset or go?

2008-04-20T19:46:00.008+08:00

I have been thinking whether I am happy with the way I am right now.

Its been two years since I graduated from university. At that time, finding my first job was pressurising as I keep hearing news from my school friends of the high salaries that they are getting (that's because they got jobs in the financial sector and being a marketing major fresh grad, the pay is not that great in this area). Eventually I got a marketing executive job at a local company. The pay was not great. I had no choice but to settle for something as my job search had went on for months. Its been two years since I graduated and I'm in my fourth job now. I went down from a marketing exec to marketing assistant in my previous two jobs as I changed line. I didn't mind the "set back" as I took it as a stepping stone to work in the industry that I have always loved.

But things didn't work out. I started feeling fustrated in my work as I felt that I am not learning new skill sets. My job scope is simple, mundane and not challenging enough to earn me the experience that I need in a marketing career. So I left and went into a different industry (it is still a marketing position), thinking maybe the industry that I love is just a job, working in any industry is still a job at the end of the day. Of course, you must like what you are doing so that is why I still dwell in marketing. My friends told me that in building my career path, it is not wise to degrade in levels as you work through the years as employers will have doubts in your career goals, seeing that you are unclear in what you want. However, I am not happy with my current job. I thought this industry could also be challenging and interesting but I guess it is not my cup of tea.

I will be working for the next 30 years of my life and I think it is crucial to be happy in my job. Happiness transcends everything...I feel...So if I ever receive a job offer in the industry that I want but in a lower position, should I go for it? Well, why not? I will definitely suffer a cut in my salary. But having stumbling all over for the past two years, I think it wil be good for me to make a fresh start by starting from scratch. Anyway, in a recent conversation with a manager, he told me that I can still make a switch as it has not been that long since I graduated. I think I should live my life for myself and not live by others' expectations.

I am reflecting on this because after reading an article that I came across last week (Ignatius Low, Hitting Life's Reset Button, Lifestyle, The Sunday Times 13 Apr 08) I am afraid that I won't be happy with the way I have lived my life if my life ends suddenly.

Despite the pain in my right knee, I still went for my usual bodycombat class this morning (yes..I'm stubborn..). And after the session, I think I need to take it easy....at least for this week as the pain seem to have worsened. On a friend's recommendation, I headed to a chinese medical hall to buy this particular ointment which he claim cured his knee pain as well. Tjin Koo Lin, its called...I hope it works....: )

pain, pain, go away......

20 Apr 2008 8.59pm

Not at peace...

2008-04-19T20:22:00.005+08:00

Thursday was the most dreaded day of all for the the past two weeks.

Our peaceful and serene office got broken when my boss came back from her leave. As usual, I got a call from her first thing in the morning to attend the briefing for her behalf as she said she has "lots of things to clear, to busy to attend the briefing". In the afternoon, she dragged me along for a meeting at the corporate office. I noiced that she wasn't paying attention at the meeting and looked bored and uninterested. My colleague was right in telling me that the sole purpose of bringng me to the meeting was to listen to the meeting for her so that she can know anything by asking me, assuming that I will listen and know everything that went on at the meeting. How terrible! Never have I seen a department head as irresponsible and lazy as her. At the meeting, everyone asked relevant questions at appropraite points. For her, she was uninterested. Another dept head who came with us gave me puzzling looks on why my boss looked so bored in the meeting as there were several good points to take note of. Then suddenly at the later half, she asked a question that was slightly out of point and it showed that she doesn't know what the presenter was talking about. At one point, she even used a handout to hide herself as she primed and fussed over her hair with a mirror. How embarrassing.......

The usual crap went on at work the next day. A director from another dept brought to our attention that our email signature was missing of a corporate tagline in addition to our promotional tagline. When she emailed my boss about this, she just replied with an email signature instruction attachment and just shirked the responsibility to IT dept, saying that she instructed them to handle this some time ago. I felt she should inform everyone and emphasized on the corporate guidelines for email signature to make IT's job easier. As usual, she chose to ignore this. Its exasperating to work with her......

The comforting part for the past few days was meeting mel, sy and cher for dinner yesterday. They finished their exams this week and all of them looked relieved. We went to New York New York at City Link. I had the Philly Cheesy Steak Sandwich (If I remember correctly....). Its nice but the fries are salty and soggy. Mel didn't sleep at all the previous night and looked tired. I was irritating him with everything that I said in response to him......so funny : P. After settling the bill, we laid back in our seats thinking what else to do. And we continued by standing outside the restaurant still having no idea where to go. We walked slowly to the mrt station and then decided to go to mel's place to play mahjong. Talking, joking and laughing all the way to his place......when we sat down to play, mel's aunt mentioned that a guy who plays mahjong against three girls will end up losing to all. And its true! He lost to the three of us...oops....We stopped at 南风 (took two hours to play!) and decided to call it a day. Everyone was tired....

Have a nice weekend...my right knee still hurts..:(

19 April 2008 9.27pm

Heed the Pain

2008-04-14T20:55:00.007+08:00

I was reading the papers yesterday when I came across the term "Stress Fracture". It happened to basketball star Yao Ming when he had to undergo surgery on his left foot due to stress fracture, caused by extensive exhaustion from playing. Stress frature is not like a fracture or breaking of the bone but is caused by constant trauma to the bone with insufficient rest and repair and this causes the bone to weaken over time. According to the article (The Sunday Times, Lifestyle section, "Bones Feel Stress of Bad Break", 13 April 2008, P.9), stress fracture is most often caused by an increase in the intensity or impact during exercise and improper protection and support from your shoes or equipments used. Besides high-impact exercise, people who are obese, tall in stature, wear heels, have irregular menstruation or suffering from osteoporosis and poor diet are also prone to such frature. I started to worry a bit when I finish reading the article as I have a nagging pain in my right knee for the past two weeks. Its not very painful and it doesn't hurt when I walk. But it hurts when my right leg is turned a certain angle or when I moved or get up after sitting or standing for a long while. It also hurts when I get up in the morning and after my gym class and running. I should have change my pair of running shoes some time ago. Guess the support and cushion has wore out and the impact from running has gone to my knees. Prevention is better than cure so I must replace my shoes. Always wear the proper footwear according to the type of activity you are doing, do exercise that strengthens the muscles and take more calcium and vitamin D! Hope I can still run......:(

Also read from the same paper that drinking tea is good for the brain as tea contains a natural compound called catechins. It protects the brain cells from the build-up of damaging protein over the years and this maintains the cognitive ability of the brain ("Give your Brain a Tea Break", The Sunday Times,, Home section, 13 April 2008, P.1). Hmm...lots of readings about health for a day....haha

Watched Street Kings on sat with suz and YA. Keanu Reeves' age seems to have shown in the movie as he looked slightly older than before. I think the last time I saw him on the big screen was in the movie "The Lake House", a romantic love story starring alongside Sandra Bullock. He was really good-looking in that movie....anyway Street Kings is average. Probably should catch it on a weekday to save the money if you intend to watch it.

Looking forward to the day.....

14 Apr 2008 10.05pm

Bad Omen?

2008-04-12T00:54:00.008+08:00

Its has been an "eventful" week. As my boss is on leave this whole week till next thurs, I have been attending the morning meetings. So on wed morning, I attended the morning briefing. Everything went as usual.....the new nasty director (the one who has been mean to me) was taking a long time as usual, talking about his department updates until he suddenly made a comment at my department, looking at me and said that the postcard that was distributed for an outlet has outdated information and is of the incorrect size and was totally unlike what he has approved previously. I was immediately puzzled that he has the new postcards already so I just replied by asking him whether all these incorrect postcards are with him. Also, I reminded him that the artwork was approved by him, my asst GM and GM. He insisted the postcards are wrong and has collected them back. My GM just wanted us to make sure that these postcards are taken back and no longer in distribution. As the other directors took their turn to do their updates, I quickly smsed my colleague about the terrible situation that just happened. She replied me immediately that the postcards that the nasty director has are actually old ones! The new ones that were approved are still at the vendor being printed and packed! Instead of clarifying the situation with us, he chose to attack me at the meeting saying that the postcard is crap! (yes, he even used the words "crap things" to describe the incorrect info on the postcard) How rude and unnecessary! Another director was so mad at him for bringing out this matter that she helped to defend me and then walked out of the boardroom 'cos she was fuming. When it was finally my turn to present any updates, I explained to everyone that the nasty director's dept has circulated the old postcards and the new ones have not arrived yet. The nasty director pretend not to hear me and looked occupied in his documents. I was so angry after the meeting, including my colleagues as well. Things did not go well for us that day as this matter was followed by an extremely unfriendly and rude email from nasty director. We were infuriated even further!

Later that day, I learnt from my colleague that she had a bad dream the previous night. She dreamt that my boss has ordered the three of us to go to her place to pick up a document file and bring it to my GM as she is away on leave. We went to her place and saw a huge antique cupboard. When we opened it, there were rows and rows of archived files and then we took the one we needed. My colleague continued saying I was the one who mentioned that we should get back to work and then I tried to close the cupboard. But the doors wouldn't close and suddenly, we were surrounded by "spirits". My colleague woke up immediately after that and could even remember those faces. She consulted a friend who knows something about interpretation of dreams and said that a dream like this would refer to "bad people at work" (in chinese, it means something like 小人在做怪). I was spooked when I heard this as things were really not smooth-going for us lately. And I was attacked by the nasty director that morning after my colleague had that dream the night before. Really unlucky....

Yesterday, I had menstrual cramps and took a day's mc to rest. And I had a wierd dream last night. I dreamt there was a snake in my room and it crawled to the top of my old wardrobe (by the way, my current wardrobe is built in to the wall. The wardrobe I saw in my dreams was my old cupboard from a long time ago...). Dreaming about a snake does not seem to be an auspicious sign. Hmm...I think the fengshui in my office is quite bad because my colleagues and I face a lot of problems at work. And there are the wierd dreams that me and my colleague had...

We cleared out a lot of unwanted stuff in the office today and it looks less cluttered now. Still lots of work to do and I hope to clear most of them next monday. After work, I went to meet jy as she has an extra invitation to an Onistuka Tiger S/S 2008 fashion show at Zouk. Its a popular brand of Japanese streetwear and sneakers. I met her colleagues as well and they were a rather fun and humourous bunch of people, especially this guy who seems to be the joker of the group. We waited a long while to get in and waited..... again for the show to start. In between we took some nice pictures and I was entertained by her colleagues' funny antics. Sometimes, I find these fashion events a bit of a drag as there is always a long queue to get in and the fashion show always starts late. But then again, what's new....

12 April 2008 2:06am

Definitely, Maybe

2008-04-08T22:58:00.010+08:00

Its ger's birthday today. Happy Birthday Ger!

Just caught a movie just now with Ljun called "Definitely, Maybe"

The storyline is not bad, not super fantastic but it was meaningful in a way. I won't give away the story here but anyway the movie was about the main character, William, who was telling his love life revolving around three women to his daughter, Maya. William is going through a divorce with his wife. While telling the story, he changed the names of the three women in order for his daughter to guess which of the three ladies is her mum. William said there is a happy ending to the story and his daughter didn't believe it as her parents are divorcing. This is the part that touched me. The happy ending was Maya herself. Having his daughter was a happy ending to William. But this is not the end of the story so go watch it.

But what I learnt from the story is that in life, you have to go through several heartbreaks to realise who the love of your life is. He or she might be with you all these while and you have always like him or her but you never realised it until you lost that person and found them again.

Brought a tear to my eye.......
8 Apr 2008 11:15pm

A Visit from the Past

2008-04-07T20:44:00.009+08:00

My colleague gave me these cute biscuits to cheer me up last week :) when I was stress up by my boss...

We celebrated ger's birthday on saturday at a KTV. I couldn't sing much as I was bothered by a cough. Kc came with his gf and all of us were surprised to learn that they got engaged! Kc just finished his Masters in the US and has found a job at a bank in Toyko. His gf will also tag along and find a job there. I was so envious of Kc to be able to get a high-paying job overseas. I wonder if I ever have the chance to work overseas in future. Anyway, it was great to catch up with him after so long and we mentioned that we should gather everyone for dinner before they jet off to Japan. After the KTV, the rest of us headed to causeway point. A few of us competed with each other in a basketball dunking game at the games arcade. Score points by throwing the ball into the basket. Well...I lost....I never really played basketball before my whole life. Captain's ball and netball...yes...and they seem more fun to me. But I do enjoy watching basketball matches. Suddenly, I remembered that I used to watch the NBA series after "O" levels and it was during the period when I was working as a part-time waitress while waiting for my polytechnic term to start. There was a TV in the cafe where I worked and me and my colleagues would be glued to the TV, watching the games until the cafe opens and its time for work. (The Chicago Bulls was the dominating team at that time, not sure about now.....Michael Jordan was still playing then...)Those days working at the country club cafe was quite fun.

Met yh, yx and 3sa for a chat yesterday afternoon and they showed me a chinese magazine which has a detailed horoscope outlook for the whole year in areas like love, money, relationship, career, health...everything! But I needed their help to read and explain some of the terms to me because it was too difficult for me. My chinese sucks! My horoscope tells me that I will have some luck in love this year but I need to be cautious in my behaviour towards the other party. Take the opportunity to know the guy first. I also need to be careful in my expenditure and think carefully before I sign on any written contracts. Hmm.....

My boss is on leave this week so I guess I will enjoy the peace for now....but there are still lots of things to do. I received a call for a last minute request to loan a place for a photoshoot in my company and I realised I actually knew the fashion stylist from my previous job. I was so happy to see her when her team arrived and she was also surprised to see me as well. We greeted each other with a hug! Sigh...the meeting brought back memories of my old job again. My stylist friend brought a well-known celebrity to do a photoshoot at our place. I was glad we were able to let her use the area for a while. We said goodbye and I told her to take care. This short meeting made my day : ) I never expect to see her again after I quit my previous job and I hope this meeting is a sign of better things to come....

7 April 2008 9.29pm

Quiz Time!

2008-04-04T21:56:00.010+08:00

My babe sandra made me do this quiz 'cos i was tagged in her blog.....and because it will take me ages to complete the quiz in chinese..I shall answer in English first...sorry sandra....can? haha....I will translate to chinese when I have the time...haha..here goes....

被點到名字的要在自己的博客裏寫下自己的答案，然後去掉一個你最不喜歡的問題再补上一個你的問題，仍然組成20個問題，傳給其他8個人，列出其他8個需要回答問題的人的名字，還要到這8個人的博客裏留言通知對方----你被點名了，被點名者不得拒絕回答問題，完成遊戲的人將會永遠得到大家的祝福。這8個人要在自己的博客裏註明是從哪裏接到的，並且再傳給其他8個人，讓遊戲繼續下去，不得囘傳。被點到名字的人將會得到大家的祝福，並且所有美好的願望都會在不久的將來實現。游戲開始：

1.小时候的理想是什么？

Erm.....I didn't really have an exact ambition but i did dream about being a beauty pagent queen...haha...I know...I do not have the requirements to be one but it was for fun. :)

2.这辈子最快乐的是什么事？

Hmm....I would have to say when I got together with my ex-boyfriend. Yes, although we are not together anymore but I will still remember the happy memories always. We have not keep in touch with each other since but I hope he is doing fine.

3.你覺得，什麽樣的事情可以讓你廢寢忘食，埋頭苦幹？

I guess its for the job that I really love. I don't mind putting in sweat and tears and forgetting meals to get the job done and at the end of it, receive a sense of satisfaction that is well-worth.

4.如果有机会的话，你最想对你讨厌的人说些什么？

You have a really sad life. You are the most selfish person I have ever met. Wake up and go think about it!

5.你最想去哪个地方？

Hmm.....New York and Spain? I would like to visit Ground Zero at New York City where the twin towers got hit and collasped in 2000. I feel that the world has changed to what it is today was due to that fateful event. As for Spain, I like the spanish language and actually learnt the basics of it. I hope to continue to master the language when I have the chance and vist Spain so that I can easily converse with the people there!

6.最受不了自己哪个缺点？

My bad-temper.......and being pessimistic.....

7.如果有不开心的事情，你会怎么办？

As I am pessimistic, I tend to just moped around and sulk when unhappy things happen but I have learnt to try to take things easy and deal with it....Not all the time but I always try harder to be optimistic.

8.做过最可怕的梦是什么？

I dreamt that my mum left us and went to another world....in an accident...

9.五年内比较现实的目标是什么？

I think it would be promotion to a senior executive level and getting a salary amount where I can comfortably support myself and my parents. The other one would be married to the love of my love and have a nice home of our own.

10.若遇見喜歡的人，你會怎樣做？

Try to know this person as much as I could to get to know him better and grab every opportunity to be with him. :)

11.現在最想做什么事情？

Get a marcom job in the fashion retail line. This is the industry where I want to build up my carrer and will not make another mistake again!

12.你最希望你的另一半对你做的一件事？

Just show me that you really love me and I must be able to feel your love. Give me security and assurance and I will be true to you always.

13.最喜歡和另一半一起做的事情?

Erm...not attached now...but if I have a bf, I would like that the both of us cook a nice meal together and enjoy it. :)

14.你最讨厌怎样的人？

Someone who is inconsiderate and disrecpectful. Also people who don't communicate directly with me whenever he or she is not happy with something also irks me.

15.什么情况下，你最容易紧张？

Eh.....when I am facing situations where I do not know very much of the matter at hand and had to actually show that I know what I am doing but looked totally lost in it.

16.你最想为另一半做的一件事情？

Just be there for him in good times and bad times.....especially bad times.....

17.什么人最让你受不了？

Indecisiveness? But I think I am also one....haha

18.最喜欢自己的一点？

I like that I am a responsible person and also a good listener.

19.如果能够让你卸下工作，抛开学习，给你自己放一整天的假，你会...learn something that I do not know how to do which are cycling, rollerblading and getting my driving skills back!

20.觉得人生最重要的事情是什么？

Learn to take things easy.....I guess....

点名：Anyone who saw this post must do it in their blog...haha.....

4 Apr 2008 10.42pm

: (

2008-04-03T21:41:00.005+08:00

Mel said I can be sad....but I cannot be sad for too long.....

trying and trying to get my life back on track...

but why are all these happening?

3 Apr 2008 9.45pm

A Chat can do Wonders....

2008-04-02T21:22:00.006+08:00

I think I might have enough of this. I am on the verge of giving up...

For the past few days, we were busy working on the usual work tasks and rushing to get the collateral to print. On Monday morning, I received a pack of brochures where my company was a partner in a international event. As the morning meeting already started, I passed some copies of the brochures straight out from the packaging to my boss who was rushing to the meeting.

When she came back, she was pissed off that I didn't check the brochure beforehand. Our company was not mentioned in it and she passed the brochure around until someone pointed out the omission. As usual, she blamed me for causing her the embarrassment and I thought to myself why didn't she take a look at the brochure first before blindly handing it out, if let's say, I am somewhat to blame. However, how would I know the brochure did not feature us? Its an event brochure that we are participating in so it is reasonable to assume we are in it! She also asked why we have not done an event poster which was mentioned at a meeting last wed. My GM asked about it at the meeting. My colleagues and I were busy with a lot of stuff and she failed to understand that we were still working on it. She was blaming us why we didn't get it done quick. And then she went on nagging at me about the 3rd draft of the collateral, telling me to rush the vendor to send it to us quickly and said she was being nice to help me forward the other draft to the other depts and my GM last friday night. I was taken aback again. Aren't we a team? Isn't it part of everyone's job that we help each other when the need arises? She made it sound like she is doing something that is not under her job scope. Sigh....I was so frustrated that morning with my boss...she was not being helpful at all in getting the collateral done. She just kept going at me and want things to go her way and not understanding our situation at all!

Needless to say, these two days were not that smooth-going at the office. My boss kept making changes even after me and my colleagues have looked though the collateral to make sure everything was in order. This morning, the final copy came in. I told her I have looked through and only minor changes are needed. I send the file to my vendor to get them started on the EDM version. In the afternoon, she wanted to make changes again and I was pissed off why she couldn't make the change in the morning! Worse, she called my colleague down to tell her the changes to make when I could not understand why she can't explain the changes to me instead as I was the one doing the checking and coordination work of the collateral from the beginning. I was really angry and told her that I would greatly appreciate that she tell me things that she need me to do PERSONALLY in future. She replied that since we have spotted some errors, we should change it and even mentioned something back that we are a team! Team my ass! Alright, making any last minute changes to make the collateral look good, I can accept that but I just cannot take it that she can't communicate or talk to me personally on the editing required. Except for a grammar error and sentence structure, there were changes which I felt were not necessary. I have been thinking that if she is more involved in the whole process, which I tried to get her in but she chose to brush it off and made excuses that she is very busy, the copywriting for the collateral could have been better and completed earlier!

Ok....very angry and upset today.....anyway the collateral will be printed tomorrow after much turmoil. After I left the office, I went for an appointment near my university where I had a chat with someone about the industry I am currently in. The meeting left me thinking whether my job suits me or not. As its only been about 2 years since I started working, he told me it is not too late to make a switch. If I can see myself working in that industry as a career for life and really possess the enthusiasm and real interest in it, then go for it. I have to balme myself for making a mistake of leaving my previous job. I seriously want to go back to where I was.

Still searching for the light...no April's Fool joke..

2 April 2008 10.28pm

Finding the light at the end of the tunnel

2008-03-29T17:14:00.009+08:00

The past week has been tumultous. My boss has been really stupid and took over a responsibility to my dept when that tyrant (the new director that I mentioned earlier who called me a girl) sent an email directing my dept that we should take over this particular task. To show that our dept is being kind and is alright with taking over this responsibility that is rightfully theirs, she replied the email and said ok (my GM was copied into the email, thinking this will show that the tyrant is being irresponsible by pushing their job scope onto others). My colleagues and I know that she don't mind the new job because she is not the one doing it! Being the selfish person that she is, she will not lift a finger to help us. She did not even bother to stand up for us and march to the GM office to have a talk with him about the situatuion. She is useless!! I heard more horror stories about my boss this week from my other colleagues and these reasons were why my predecessor left. That new director tyrant has been going around instructing what the other depts should do and left left many of the other dept directors fuming as they feel that he has no right to dictate how they should manage their own dept. I should be confirmed this week regarding my employment contract but my boss gave the usual excuse that she is very busy and has no time to look into my confirmation.....she will regret this. I have been busy for the past few days in overseeing and liasing the production of a marketing collateral. After sitting though with my GM over the layout and he agreed to it, my boss wanted to change it. Sigh...really wasted my effort....

I have been staying home for the past few weekends....things are more expensive these days and so it is costly to go out. I have to think through whether this movie is worth watching before spending that 10 bucks on it (You guys know that GV has followed Cathay in increasing ticket price to $10 for weekends?) And even if I choose to watch on weekday nights, it might not be possible due to work, tiredness, go runnning or other things.....Eating out is also expensive, ktv is also expensive...sigh...don't know what is there left to do....Although my salary is reasonably ok, after deducting allowance to my parents and personal bills, I'm not left that much. I'm really feeling the pinch now. Have to be careful with what I spent and save more. But of course, I will spend on stuff that I think are necessary. With careful planning, I think we can still indulge in some little luxuries.... : )

I was looking through my friend, Gerry's friendster profile and he wrote some passages which I think speaks for every relationship out there. He wrote
"Woman's biggest mistake in a r/s is to give up communicating her needs and to start doing everything by herself end up wrongly assuming her partner does not care to help or participate in the r/s" Only way to solve this, is to accepting and understanding each other's differences with love, then we become more of who we truely are -to be loving and caring to each other.
Do you know how to sustain the passion in your relationship? When partners are able to keep their differences alive through loving and respecting each other and if a man and woman become too similar they lose the attraction or chemistry. It is boring to be with somone who is like yourself. To maintain passion in a r/s, we must work to preserve our differences while gradually accept the qualities of our partners by loving and respecting our differences then we gain balance. Secondly, do new things together! Try to come up with new ideas for each other to keep a r/s alive!
There was one day, baby asks me, "What is Love?"I said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn that you see and come back to me. But these is a catch: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."Baby went to the field and goes to the 1st row, where she saw one big corn, but she wonders to herself... maybe there is a bigger one ahead. Walking forward and true to her thoughts she saw a bigger one. However she did not pick it, but thought to herself again: "Maybe there will be an even bigger one waiting for her."Later, when she had walked through more than half of the corn field, she started to realize that the corn was not as big as the previous ones she saw, and she knows that she has missed the biggest one, and she regretted it!!!So, she ended up coming back to me with empty hands.I told her, " .. this is love.. you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realized it, you have already miss the person..." - In Love One must always cherish those that one already possesses. "

I think I am guilty of the first part. Maybe I didn't communicate enough in my previous relationship. I have learnt that communication is very important and I must make my feelings and thoughts known in the first place to the other partner and also, not assume anything from him. I also learnt that we should be who we are and learn to accept the differences that two persons will have. We have to accept the character of that person and the differences that both parties have and work towards maintaining a loving and meaningful relationship. I guess its true that two persons who are similar might lose the chemistry in the relationship. Like they say, opposites attract. I forgot the part about doing new things together! That is so helpful in maintaning a relationship. Always treasure what you have.....Thanks Gerry!

With all these recent happenings, I am more determined to achieve the things that I want. I want to be happy.

Searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.....

29 March 2008 6.52pm

Am I naive or just blur or freaky?

2008-03-24T20:11:00.010+08:00

Its one of those peaceful days where my boss is not in.......

I was reading this week's issue of 8 Days and I came across my horoscope of the week.

"This is not an easy moment for all you delicate souls, but faith in the future will now definitely see you through. In fact , a few confident actions will impress other people and might even inspire someone to make you a bold offer."

Notice that the writer used the word "delicate" to describe us. Yes, I do think I am delicate and fragile at times, easily hurt and breakable. Anyway, the horoscope prediction is somewhat co-related to the happenings at the office today. I am already losing faith in my job, in my career as I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. My colleagues and I gathered together to discuss a work task which she forwarded us to do. She told us to discuss the points together as a team (excluding her as usual......) and then collate it and pass it to her. My next-door colleague heard about this task that we are discussing and told us to forward her the email. When she saw the email, she told us that all head of departments are supposed to do this assignment themselves but of course have to sit down and discuss with the asst head of dept and rest of the team. However, the email that my boss forwarded to us instructed us to DO the task instead. And all these while we didn't know that HODs are supposed to lead in this task. My colleagues and I were actually clueless as to how to perform this assignment and thought we could manage but after reading through the email, we really do not know what the concept is about and my boss did not give us the additional info she promised to help us in it. I come to think that I am either naive to believe my boss that we can do it or just plain blur to not realise that she is discreetly pushing the responsibility to us. I should have known its the latter!! I was quite pissed off with my boss and this incident (and many others...) just further lowered my morale in this job. Am I going to suffer under my boss and continue to clean up all her crap and nagging and do all her work and at the end of the day, I still do not know what I have accomplished at all?? Lately, I think I am not quick-witted enough to realise some of the politics, hidden agendas or unobvious body languages that are going on in this office. And that's where I am left behind....sigh...I only feel more and more discouraged as the days go by...But after seeing that horoscope prediction, should I just keep on carrying my faith or hopes for the future and pounce once I see the light-bulb moment?

I seem to be getting wierd stares from passer-bys these days when I am out in the streets. I'm not sure if its me but I'm sure they were looking at my face. People at the office have been asking me about my acne, whether i have seen a doc. Its really depressing. When I was out with Ljun last friday, I can feel those passing eyes lingering a little longer on me and it gave me a feeling as if I am some freak. sigh......guess I will not go out that often until my face gets better. It does look bad now....: ( and worse, my face itches with all those medication....

Its only Monday...hang on.....
24 Mar 2008 9:36pm

Pet Peeves

2008-03-23T17:34:00.006+08:00

I didn't do much during this long Easter weekend. I am nursing a sore throat and is getting a bit better. I went to the gym on friday for bodycombat and told myself that I will try not to head to the gym on public holidays as it was quite crowded. Also, the pet peeves that I always encounter at the gym are getting to my nerves. I couldn't stand those people who would hog a machine for almost half an hour, forgetting there are other gymers who are waiting to use it as well. While I was waiting for the combat class to start, I wanted to use this particular ab machine but there was this inconsiderate guy who was hoarding it, doing hundreds of repetition, taking long pauses in between and even left his towel on the machine while he stroll over to the water cooler for a sip before resuming his exercise again. How irritating! In the end, I didn't get to use it and went for my class instead as it was starting soon. After the combat session ended, I came out of the studio and saw that someone is still using that ab machine. So I hanged around for a while and finally got to it.

Another pet peeve that I can't stand are those personal trainers who are training their clients. They would take it that they have priority over the equipments and hog them as well. I am also a paying member of the club and deserve equal treatment as them. There was an incident where I was waiting for a chest pump machine and as the guy was leaving, a trainer came over immediately with his client to use it. I was pissed off and told him I was already waiting there and would appreciate if I could have about ten minutes on it. Luckily this traniner was kind enough to let me use it. The trainer waited and I returned the gesture by signalling him over when I was done so that no one would use it.

The other thing that irks me is those disgusting women who leave their used towels on the bench in front of other users' locker. I got it before. Probably they think that as a paying club member, they expect the locker attendants to clean up after them so they don't bother to drop their used towels into the bin at the locker counter. The gym can be a really dirty place sometimes......eeww...

After gym, I met Ljun to window shop. He got a new job and wanted to get a windbreaker/sweater to wear in the office. He's quite a spender and usually plans what he wants to buy every month. I wish I can be like him...if my salary allows...but I still believe in saving for a rainy day. We went to Paragon and I saw a Bvlgari event at the main atrium. Reminded me of my old job.....sigh...

***

I just finished watching season 2 of Heroes and I am definitely hooked on it! I love Milo Ventimiglia (he acts as Peter Petrelli in the series)! So gorgeous and has one of the most powerful abilities among the characters. I find some of the quotes in the show rather meaningful and thought-provoking. Can't wait to see what happens to them....sometimes I wish the haitian could come and erase all the unhappy thoughts in my head.

Another work week tomorrow. Not looking forward to it but I guess the only consolation I get is that my boss will be on leave tomorrow. I wonder what will happen this week....

You left. You left. All You have are your nightmares.

23 March 2008 7.22pm

Fighting On....

2008-03-19T20:52:00.005+08:00

Remember in my last post that this new director from another dept shot back at me by replying to everyone in an email (including an external party who is the original recipient of the email) that the information I provided is not correct? Well, the next morning I sent an email to him and cc the same group of people invloved that I acted on the information as given from his dept. I also attached the information they gave and requested them to update accordingly in a polite manner. And guess what he replied to everyone? Only a single line, no hello and no thank you and this single line that he typed read "Can someone help this girl?". And that was it.

I stared at my computer screen as I read the reply again and my immediate thought was "how rude is he?!" I mean if he feels that I am in the wrong, then by all means explain the situation to me and I will readily accept it and do whatever is necessary to rectify the situation. His reply implied that I know nothing and it also shows that he belittles me. How arrogant.....soon after, that email got forwarded by someone to my colleagues next door and they couldn't believe that he replied in this manner as a director. My boss and my colleagues in my team also found his reply to be rude and unnecessary. On the lighter side, a colleague joked that at least he means that I am still young! As a joke, we now call him "Ah-Boy".

As usual, I still did not get any feedback regarding an assignment that I am currently overseeing and it is causing a terrible delay on the deadline. Everything don't seem to be going smoothly at work. Really frustrating and causing me undue stress. The other day my boss was telling me to rest well so that I won't be stressed up and my acne will recover soon. Well, I told my colleague what she said and I doubt my face will recover that fast. But I think it is making slow recovery now...and I mean SLOW......

Call me Ah-girl.......

19 March 2008 9.41pm

A Wrong Match?

2008-03-17T21:50:00.008+08:00

Last week as I was making my way back to my desk from the pantry, I made a small complaint to my colleague about my boss. She understands the agonizing circumstance that me and my team face in our dept and she asked me whether I regretted coming here. Well, maybe?

Today is one of those unfruitful day at work again. One thing that I couldn't understand is the pettiness or lack of team spirit among the depts in my company. We had a new director in another dept recently which my dept works closely with. Today I sent an email to an external party about the various promotions that our company will have in the coming month. The relevant people were cc, including this new director. I was sure that the information was correct up to my full knowledge of the entire matter. It was even mentioned in a meeting last week and I even checked with another colleague to confirm. When I looked back at the main document that I derived the information from, I wasn't wrong. But the new director said it was wrong and replied back to everyone in the email, including the external party, to inform everyone that the info is not correct and to update the changes. I was uphappy when I saw the email, simply because I felt it was unneccessary to include the external party in the reply. If I was wrong, he could have just email me in a separate reply and I will definitely make the changes and send another email to the external partner to correct the information. But the new director chose to reply to everyone, making us look bad in front of an outsider, who will think that we are not being efficient in our internal communication at all. Why let people know our internal weakness when we can rectify the problem first among us and then inform others accordingly? I don't get it at all. I knew that he wants to make my dept look bad and he is doing so at every opportunity. Although I don't like the way he handles the matter and the way he works, I still feel that getting the work done is of utmost priority.

To make matters worse and this is a different issue, my boss wanted to test the new director's efficiency by forwarding him a media enquiry and see how he handles it. My dept could manage this reasonably fast but my boss chose to waste time and last-minute effort by forwarding the email to him, which he only informed his subordinate today to handle it and the subordinate was furious that he has to rush it as the media needs it tomorrow. If we don't submit it tomorrow, we could miss out a publicity feature. Is all this finger pointing and "who-can-do-a-better-job-attitude" worth it? I must admit I don't like how this new director is communicating with us to get things done but if such obstacles can be minimize, why not? It speeds up the working process and everyone will be happier.

A week ago I came across an article about acing an interview. I read such articles before and I know what are the questions you should expect and the tips that you should remember to perform well in the interview. The only part that was new to me in that article was the questions you should ask the interviewer to gauge if the company is the right place for you. Many a times when we attend an interview, we just want to please the interviewer and get the job but forget to consider whether the comapany's culture and management style suit us. And its only when we are in the job that we realise we are not happy and things are not working out with your colleagues and/or boss. We should find out from our direct superior during the interview about their communnication style, management style, traits they look for in an employee and how they prefer to resolve issues when both parties have a different view on the issue. What a bummer I have been and I should have known all these questions. I only know that I could asked about career advancement opportunities in the company but have neglected EQ related questions.

As I recall what my colleague asked me last week, I did wonder if I had made the wrong choice. But then, remembering what yx told me, I could probably try my best and see where the road will lead to......hmm.....

trying and trying.......

17 March 2008 10.53pm

A Short Day

2008-03-15T20:49:00.011+08:00

Slept till noon today.....have not slept so much for a long time. The day went by in a flash...

I met my financial planner earlier for a chat. She looks like her normal self although I did feel a little that something is not right. We had a quick bite and then settled in her office. As I meddled with my stuff, she suddenly broke the news to me that she broke up with her boyfriend. I was surprised. It happened a week ago but she has taken it well and is moving on. She told me that in life, a setback will not affect you tremendously if you have all aspects of your life covered and strong ties in your other relationships such as family and friends. She has a successful career and close relationship with her family and friends. That is why she can bounce back and move on. This is something that I want to achieve. Work towards a good life by maintaining strong relationships with my love ones and build up my career. I may not be that close with my family but I think i will make do with whatever I have. I don't think I can have everything in life and should learn to be content with it. She told me to think through what I want to achieve in life and even told me to consider being a planner in her company. "Think through these two days and let me know" Hmm....

I'm having wierd dreams lately. I kept dreaming about this guy whom I had several conversations and encounters in my dream and it gave me a happy feeling. Last night I dreamt that I was in my ex-company office, talking to an ex-colleague and then this guy appeared out of nowhere. He was feeling unwell and I helped him to the doctor's. He was thankful to me. I wonder whether dreams mean anything and what do all these dreams indicate? Is something good or bad going to happen to me?

This could be good.......

15 march 2008 10.05pm

Politicology

2008-03-13T19:52:00.012+08:00

Almost 3 months into my current job and I must say it hasn't been an easy road.....

For the past few weeks, I realised that some people like to make others feel bad or look bad in their work performance so as to feel empowered. By doing so, they feel good about themselves and felt that they have done a good job in front of their boss. Of course, its only a good show in front of the boss and the boss do not know what goes behind the scenes....

My dept has been trying hard to save itself from the fire that goes on or maybe I should say an earthquake 'cos there are always shattering or groundbreaking changes or happenings in the situation at work, such as promotional details that still cannot be confirmed when the deadline was already long over or sudden new additions....sigh...oh well, I have submitted all the information that I can gathered for the collateral. I just hope the production process will proceed smoothly. We shall try our best and go by the book to prevent ourselves from any troubles that others might caused.

I'm suffering from another bout of acne again and my face was looking bad. I have stopped wearing make-up to work these past two days and made a trip to the skin clinic yesterday. My doctor thought I have stopped using his medication but I have been using it faithfully everyday. Guess it was the make-up that is irritating my skin or work-related stress. I didn't take take the jab as advised by my doctor but bought my usual set of medication instead and a bottle of antibiotics. My face looks slightly better today and I definitely need to take good care of it. 'Cos I am $200 poorer after the trip to the clinic...:( . xl accompanied me to the clinic and then we went shopping for a while. Both of us bought two pairs of heels each...poorer again...arrggghh!

While we were waiting for the train, we started to ponder about our future. Will we marry the man that we love? xl's friend once told her that sometimes, a girl will just settle for a guy even though she does not love him deeply. i thought that is sad but her friend said there are things that you have to compromise when looking for a life partner. Maybe that is true......

feeling bored in a gloomy weather......

13 March 2008 8.59pm

Ever so Restless.....

2008-03-09T17:43:00.010+08:00

I met zz and kev on wed for dinner and also to discuss some stuff. We were at Macdonalds. While I was rummaging through my bag, I accidentally knocked over my coffee and it spilt into my bag! Got coffee all over my white sweater. Now the inside of my bag smells like coffee....haha.....arrgh..

I feel so restless these days. Work was boring as usual. I even skipped practice on friday and met yh, zz and kev for dinner instead. Just totally no mood to practice or do anything...

On the train back with yh, I learnt that yh usually keeps all her troubles and problems inside her and would not or seldom share with anyone. Hey girl, its not good to keep everything to yourself. Try to open up and you will feel better. Remember that you have friends and love ones who are here to listen, including myself. You were there for me. It might be awkward for you but you will never know if you don't even try. :)

Watched 10000B.C with gy yesterday. Its average with some rather funny parts. Still an entertaning movie to watch. Its been a long time since I last saw gy. We went shopping around after the movie and he bought a few things. He quite willing to splurge on himself. After dinner, we went for coffee to catch up on each other. I learnt something while he was relating his experience with his ex. Assurance is a responsibility that both party have to carry to ensure that things will work out in a relationship. This will also enable good communication between the couple. That is what was missing in my previous relationship. But I also guess the responsibilty to assure one another needs to be part of a person's character to do it and can be built up over time. If the person don't feel the sense of such responsibility, doesn't it mean he or she will cause the relationship to fail and who wants a failing relationship? Will the person realise it? At least I did my part.

Finally finished watching the first season of Heroes. There was a scene where Peter said to Simone at the rooftop about death as her dying grandpa was talking to Peter's mum. I find it rather meaningful.

"Death is the one thing that connects us all,

reminds us that what's really important is who we've touched,

and you know, how much we've given.

It makes us realize that we have to be good to one another."

-Peter Petrelli, chapter 24 How to Stop an

Exploding Man, Heroes Season 1

Life is short, play hard and love hard. I have been feeling empty lately and having wierd dreams. I'm hoping for something good to happen to me. I'm just waiting for everything to turn around for me, waiting for that opportunity. I will work hard for my career, improve myself spiritually and mentally and perhaps, meet that special one who is waiting for me somewhere.....

Enjoy this scene from the movie Great Expectations. I suddenly remember this movie and its one of my favourite scenes. Really romantic...:)

Not delving, not yearning....

9 March 2008 6.44pm

So where do you go?

2008-03-04T21:34:00.010+08:00

You know, lately life is becoming boring.......that all the daily stuff seems rather repetitive. I know it all depends on how we look at things, that we can choose to make things work differently and that work don't have to be mundane. Its either you accept that work is rountine everyday and just go with the flow or do something different.

I do meet my friends, go running or drop by at the gym, attend my weekly band practice and catch those movies that I want to watch. But then, its getting kind of boring. I don't shop very much because its an expensive hobby. Seeing all those new shopping malls sprouting up in Orchard Road is not helping..hmm....think I need more shoes....oopps! ** No cannot, bad girl!**

I thought of doing something different like visiting the art museum or take a walk at the zoo during the weekends but didn't quite seem to get to it or able to get friends with such similar interest to participate in such activities.

I have been thinking of reading my books again but because I read rather slow, it takes me a long time to finish one. Ok I try....

Or is life in Singapore just plain dull? I'm still thinking whether its me or whether singapore life is just overly hectic and all that stress doesn't enable me to enjoy life. The rising cost of living these days bothers me. I came across an article on saturday about singaporeans who live overseas for many years and do not wish to return home simply because life there is slower, job salary is higher, cost of living compared to singapore is lower and many other reasons. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my galfriend and we were talking about working in Australia and the idea seems rather attractive to me. But then, I can't just leave my parents here and I'm sure they wouldn't want to leave. Reading that article about these Singaporeans who love their life outside Singapore left me feeling envious....the pasture might be greener on the other side. But I guess no matter where you are, its whether you enjoy what you are doing that will keep your heart here.

My boss sat me down today to discuss my performance appraisal for the past two months. Generally it was ok but when she asked me how I was doing, I wasn't sure what to say. I have a lot to tell her but I just told her I need more time to adjust to the new work environment as it is quite different to my previous job. Probably I should tell her what I really think of our work environment one of these days but because I need to go running, I kept the discussion short with her.

Remember I mention in my previous post that my conductor said I might have a problem with my ambitions? Well, I really need to think what I want to do.

4 March 2008 10.30pm

Soy veintisiete años

2008-03-01T10:27:00.014+08:00

Another year gone by and I have turned a year older....

hmm...thurs was a pretty "normal" day. Went to work as usual. After the morning briefing was over, a collague saw me and wished me happy birthday. My boss gave me a present. I didn't expect this. I appreciate her gesture but I find it a bit wierd.....especially the present.

Met my sec sch girlfriends for dinner. We always celebrate each other's birthday every year without fail since our sec sch days. For the first time after knowing her for so many years, ger brought her bf along. Congrats gal! so happy for you! :) And to the guy, you better treat her well!! Anyway we had dinner at wheellock place. Too bad shir and ting couldn't make it but I enjoyed the simple celebration. Love the black forest cake guys!

Practice resumed yesterday and attendance was not that good. Had dinner at kopitiam with them and my conductor came. As most of them finished their food, they quickly made a move. Leaving me, ed and joa with him. My conductor asked me how I was doing at work and I replied "boring"!. He said "you know why? no ambition. There is nothing that you have to work towards to when climbing the career ladder". That didn't occur to me all these while....maybe he is right. I don't have an ambition. I still don't know what to do and still can't find what I want to do or maybe what I like to do.....

The band has decided to participate in the national band competition in july. Aiming to repeat our golden feat two years ago.BUT I learnt that we are playing El Camino Real as our choice piece.....hmm......oh well, we'll see how it goes. After practice was over, sy started her "lelong sale" of band t-shirts. I bought the new orange one :) As I was about to leave with cher and the others to ice cold beer, ms and mel suddenly stopped me and presented me with a small gift from HR and my euph section! Everyone broke out with a birthday song. Thank You My Symphonians! :)So Sweet.......

At Ice Cold Beer, I had a margarita which was nice. Later into the night, suddenly felt really giddy and a pain in my stomach. Headed to the toilet where I threw up everything I ate earlier. My stomach hurts like hell and I felt really faint. Nope I'm not drunk. Just felt like I was going to faint. Luckily sy came to my rescue. She always comes to my rescue...haha....so once again sy and mel shared cab with me to make sure i got back home safely. To the both of you, I owe you a A LOT!

Now that I am older.....once more....I hope to embark on a more fufilling journey for the next chapter of my life. Lately I have been feeling kind of tired with what I have been doing. Although I love playing in the band, I wonder whether it is time to stop. I enjoy the company of my smyphos.....but being an alumnus without the other alumni, I feel out of place sometimes. No longer am I on the same topic of boring classes, incompetent profs, endless project meetings and interesting events and happenings in school. I used to have these common topics with my classmates but that was during my uni days....been two years since I graduated from this uni. Guess what I can do is tell the current members what working life is like......haha....need to pass on....

But besides music, I need something else. I want a job that I love. Right now, its not exactly what I want so the only things I can do now is to gain experience first. But then, I am not sure if I am getting the relevant experience. Probably I should listen to yx and try my best to make the most out of my situation. Don't balk when I see an obstacle.

With more free time on hand now, should I look into other aspects to upgrade myself? Maybe relearn my spanish and enrol in a class. Learn a new skill? Photoshop maybe?

And the last thing that I hope to have is......

anyway have a good weekend!

1 Mar 2008 12.04pm